Mature Jokes

A 300 Kg man walks into a doctor`s office. This doctor is known for his unusual but effective methods. The man says, 'Doctor you must help me. I have tried everything. I just cannot lose this weight.'
The doctor hesitates for a minute. He finally looks up and says, 'The only thing I can do is to sew your mouth shut and...

A streetwalker was visiting her doctor for a regular checkup.
'Any specific problems you should tell me about?' the doctor asked.
'Well, I have noticed lately that if I get even the tiniest cut, it seems to bleed for hours,' she replied. 'Do you think I might be a hemophiliac?'
'Well...

A deaf mute walks into pharmacy to buy condoms. He has difficulty communicating with the pharmacist, and cannot see condoms on the shelf.
Frustrated, the deaf-mute finally unzips his pants, places his dick on the counter, and puts down a five dollar bill next to it.
The pharmacist unzips...

A woman goes to the doctors, and says, 'Doctor, I`ve got a bit of a problem. I`ll have to take my clothes off to show you.'
The doctor tells her to go behind the screen and disrobe. She gets undressed, and the doctor goes around to see her when she is ready.
'Well, what...

A guy goes to see a psychiatrist.
He says, 'Doc, I think I`m hung up on women`s breasts.'
The psychiatrist says, 'We`ll see. I`ll give you a quick word-association test. I`ll say something, and then you say the first thing that comes into your mind.
The doctor says, '2 Eggs.'
The guy says, 'Boobs...

A ninety year old man lived in a rest home and got a weekend pass. He stopped in his favorite bar and sat at the end and ordered a drink.
He noticed a seventy year old woman at the other end of the bar and he told the bartender to buy the lovely young lady a drink. As the evening progressed, the old man joined the lady and they went to her apartment, where they

This guy is really into blow up dolls and rings his mail order supplier and says he wants something absolutely realistic.
The supplier says, 'I have just the thing, `Life-like Tina`, So realistic you can`t tell the difference!'
The guy orders one. Meanwhile the supplier is looking at the box and cannot believe how realistic `Life-like Tina` looks, so he...

It was the stir of the town when an 80 year old man married a 20 year old girl. After a year she went into the hospital to give birth.
The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow saying, 'this is amazing. How do you do it at your age?'
He answered, ' You`ve got to keep that old motor running.'
The following year...

A man returns from a foreign holiday and is feeling very ill. He goes to see his doctor, and is immediately rushed to the hospital to undergo tests.The man wakes up after the tests in a private room at the hospital, and the phone by his bed rings.
'This is your doctor. We`ve had the results back from your tests and we`ve found that...

An eighty-year-old man was having an annual physical. As the doctor was listening to his heart with the stethoscope, he began muttering, 'Oh oh!'
The man asked the doctor, 'What`s the problem?'
'Well,' said the doc, 'you have a...