The wife appeared before the judge and said, "I want a divorce from that jerk over there."
The judge said, "Why do you want the divorce?"
"Because he's a terrible lover."
The judge asked, "How long have you been married?"
"Fourteen years," she replied.
"I don't understand. Why did you wait fourteen years to divorce your husband for being a terrible lover?"
She said, "Because, your Honor, until this insurance salesman stopped by my house last week, I didn't know the difference."
This guy has been married for about 6 months when he runs into a guy from his wedding party. The guy asked him how married life was treating him.
The married guy replied, "Great except for one problem, our sex life. Everytime I am getting off, she isn't, and every time she is, I'm not. We are frustrated because we heard it is so much better when you get off at the same time."
The guy from the wedding party replied, "There is a simple solution to that. The next time you are and she's not, give her a little jab in the stomach. For some reason that makes women get off."
Even though it was against his better judgement, the married man promised to try it, and the two parted their ways.
About 3 months later, by chance they met up again, and of course the guy is eager to find out what had happened.
He said, "Hey, is everything better on the home front?"
The married man replied, "Not exactly! I did exactly as you told me to. I was getting ready to get off, so I jabbed her in the stomach. She farted and pissed in my face and almost bit my dick off!"
Charlie and George were sitting in the park, talking, when the subject turned to getting older. Charlie said to George, "Women have all the luck when it comes to getting older."
"What do you mean?" asked George.
"Well," replied Charlie, "I can barely remember the last time I was able to perform in bed, but my wife is healthier than ever!"
"Healthier? How is that?" his buddy wondered.
"Years ago, when we were younger, almost every night before bed she'd get these terrible headaches," he answered. "Now that we're older, she hasn't had a headache in years."
A man is having problems with his penis, which certainly had seen better times.
He consults a doctor who, after a couple of tests, says, "Sorry, but you've overdone it the last 30 years. Your penis is burned out. You only have 30 erections left in your penis."
The man walks home, deeply depressed. His wife is waiting for him at the front door and asks him what the doctor said concerning his problem. He tells her what the doctor told him.
She says, "Oh no, only 30 times! We shouldn't waste that. We should make a list!"
He replies, "Yes, I already made a list on the way home. Sorry, your name isn't on it."
A honeymoon couple had booked a sleeper berth for their trip. However when boarding the train, they found their berths were both upper berths on opposite sides of the compartment.
During the night, the groom, feeling amorous, whispered across to his bride, "Come across here darling."
She whispered back, "How can I get across."
The groom said, "I have something stiff you could crawl across on."
A voice from the lower berth asked with a chuckle, "How's she going to get back?"
A woman goes out shopping with her husband and spots a pair of boots she loves.
The husband says, "No chance love, they're far too expensive."
Later on in bed the wife is just falling asleep when the husband tries his luck and places his hand on her hip and then lower onto her thigh.
She turns to him and says, "I don't think so mate. If you're not prepared to shoe the horse, then you sure as hell ain't riding it!"
A man and his wife were having an argument in bed. After the husband had finally had enough, he jumped up and took a blanket to the couch.
The next day, the wife feeling badly about what happened, decided to buy her husband a gift. Since he was an avid golfer, she went to the pro shop at the club where he usually played golf.
The wife talked with the pro, and he suggested a putter and showed her one of his finest. "How much is it?" she asked.
"One-hundred and fifty dollars," he replied. She felt that was kind of expensive and told him so.
"But it comes with an inscription," the pro said.
"What kind of inscription?" she asked.
"Whatever you wish," he explained. "But, one of the old golfers' favorites is: 'Never Up, Never In'."
"Oh, that will never do!" exclaimed the wife. "That's what started the argument in the first place."
When Felix, the regional sales manager for a machine tools company, got home from the office, his wife couldn't help noticing that his tie was loose, his fly unzipped, his hair disheveled, he smelled of perfume, and his collar was covered with lipstick.
"Rough day at the office" she commented.
"Not too bad," he said nonchalantly. "Had to break in a new sales associate, but I think she'll work out."
"Does she take shorthand" asked his wife. "
"No," blurted Felix, "but she gives it."
The loneliness of a middle-aged man and woman - both divorcees, eventually blossomed into love and finally marriage, but the wedding night turned into a real disaster.
"You just do not fulfill my sexual expectations," the bride commented the following morning.
You're right about that," replied the new husband. "But when I promised to fill the void in your life, I simply had no idea that it would be a drive in for trucks!"
A rich man and poor man are at a bar, the rich man turns to the poor man, "Iit's my 10 year wedding anniversary on Tuesday."
The poor man looks astonished, "It's my 20 year wedding anniversary on Thursday! What are you planning on getting her?"
The rich man goes, "I'm getting her a diamond necklace and a Mercedes Benz."
The poor man, looking confused, asks, "Why both? Isn't one or the other surely enough?"
The rich man responds, "Well, I figure if she doesn't like the necklace, she still has a nice car. What are you getting your wife?"
The poor man looks down, "I'm getting her a pair of slippers and a dildo."
The rich man is taken aback, "Slippers and a dildo, that's an odd combination?"
The poor man looks up, "Well, if she doesn't like the slippers she can go fuck herself."