Mature Jokes

A retired gentleman went into the social security office to apply for Social Security. After waiting in line for a long time he got to the counter. The woman behind the counter asked him for his driver`s license to verify his age. He looked in his pockets and realized he had left his wallet at home.
He told the woman that he was very...

There was 3 old men sitting by a pool talking about old times. One of the men asked the other two what was the worst sound they ever heard.
The first old man said, 'Well I was in Africa once and had a herd of wild elephants come in my direction and I had no place to hide.'
The second old man said, 'I was a pilot in the air force and was...

Two old ladies were chatting one day. They were talking about this and that and the subject finally got around to sex.
The first old lady said she enjoyed sex now just as much as ever.
The second old lady was surprised and asked her what her secret was.
The first old lady said when she hears her husband pulling the car into the garage she hurries and takes a...

A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter.
She started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, 'You know that...

A man came home from work one day and his wife asked him to fix the toilet. The man says, 'Who do I look like the plumber?' and never fixed it....
The man comes home the next day and his wife asks him to fix the garbage disposal. The man says...

A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 80years old and the bride was just 25 years old. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him since his young bride was a healthy, vivacious and...

A man was walking down the street when he noticed his grandpa sitting on the porch in a rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down.
'Grandpa, what are you doing?' he exclaimed.
The old man looked...

A couple were having financial problems until finally they couldn`t stand it any more. The husband said to his wife that is was necessary for her to make some money through prostitution to get by.
So the husband...

An old mountaineer and his young wife were getting a divorce in the local court. But custody of the children was a problem.
The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should...

A married man was visiting his 'girlfriend' when she requested that he shave his beard. 'Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to...