| A guy walked into a bar in Alabama and ordered a white wine. Everybody sitting around the bar looked up, expecting to see some pitiful yankee queer. The bartender looked up and said, "You ain`t from around here, are you? Where are you from, boy?" The guy said, "I`m from Iowa." The bartender asked, "What the heck you do in Iowa?" The guy responded, "I`m a taxidermist." The bartender asked, "Now just what the heck is a taxidermist?" The guy said nervously, "I mount animals." The bartender grinned and shouted out to the whole bar, "It`s okay boys, he`s one of us!" |
| An old guy approaches the window of the movie theater with a chicken on his shoulder, and asks for 2 tickets. The girl at the counter wants to know who is going in with him. He replies, "Well, my pet chicken, of course!" "I`m sorry," The girl tells him. "We can`t allow animals in the theater." The guy goes around the corner and stuffs the chicken into his pants. He returns to the window, buys his ticket and goes in. Inside the theater, the chicken starts to get hot and begins to squirm, so the man unzips his pants so the chicken can stick its head out and watch the movie. Seated next to him is a woman. She looks over at his lap and is horrified. She elbows her friend Steffi and whispers, "Steffi, this man over here has just unzipped his pants!" Steffi whispers back, "Oh, don`t worry about it...you`ve seen one, you`ve seen them all." Maria says, "I KNOW...but this one`s eating my POPCORN!!" |
| It seems that God received a delegation of animals complaining of their lot. They were an elephant, a giraffe, and a hen. The elephant complained, "Lord, I HATE THIS TRUNK YOU have given me. It gets in the way, and makes me look like a fool!" The Lord said, "Don`t complain. It lets you pick up food, drink water, etc. without getting wet!" Next the giraffe complained, "Lord, I HATE THIS LONG NECK! It makes me top heavy, I get terrible neck pains, and people laugh at me!" The Lord said, "Don`t complain. It lets you pick the best fruit and leaves from the high branches, and allows you to see a distance." The hen spoke up, "Lord, I don`t want to complain, but either let me have a bigger hole or smaller eggs." |
| An Amish lady is trotting down the road in her horse and buggy when she is pulled over by a cop. "Ma`am, I`m not going to ticket you, but I do have to issue you a warning. You have a broken reflector on your buggy." "Oh, I`ll let my husband, Jacob, know as soon as I get home." "That`s fine. Another thing, ma`am. I don`t like the way that one rein loops across the horse`s back and around one of his balls. I consider that animal abuse. That`s cruelty to animals. Have your husband take care of that right away!" Later that day, the lady is home telling her husband about her encounter with the cop. "Well, dear, what exactly did he say?" "He said the reflector is broken." "I can fix that in two minutes. What else?" "I`m not sure, Jacob... something about the emergency brake..." |