| An elephant is walking through the jungle when she gets a thorn in her foot. She is in absolute agony until an ant strolls by. So the elephant says, "Help me, help me." But the ant refuses unless the elephants agrees to let the ant have his wicked way with her. Replies the elephant, "Anything! Anything!" So, out comes the thorn and up gets the ant and proceeds to enjoy himself. Meanwhile, in a tree directly above them, a monkey, who witnessed the whole episode, was in knots of laughter. Consequently, he fell out of the tree on top of the elephant. Says the elephant, "Ouch!" Says the ant, in his own little frenzy, "Suffer bitch, suffer!!!" |
| Four men were bragging about how smart their dogs are. The first man was an Engineer, the second was an Accountant, the third was a Chemist, and the fourth man was a Government Worker. To show off, the Engineer called to his dog. "T-Square, do your stuff." T-Square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square, and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. The Accountant said his dog could do better, and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff." Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good. The Chemist said his dog could do better still, so he called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff." Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was great. The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff!" Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, sexually assaulted the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home on sick leave. Everyone agreed that was really typical |
| A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he`s drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn`t surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I`ll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he`s in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper. "Yeah, that doesn`t surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!" |
| I was walking in the park one bright sunny Sunday afternoon, when I noticed a cute little girl out walking her dog. As she approached me on the path, she looked about 9 years old, all dressed up in her Sunday best, and her freshly scrubbed face, just gleaming with cutsiness. Tugging on her leash was a well groomed terrier. As we met on the path, I greeted her, "Hi there, my, aren`t you pretty today and what a fine looking dog you have." "Thank you, sir" she said, "And what a nice day this is, isn`t it?" "Yes it is" I answered, "My, what a polite little girl you are, and what a pretty dress you`re wearing." "Oh, thank you, sir. My mother taught me to always be polite and she made this dress for me, isn`t it pretty?" she said with a beaming smile. "Yes, very pretty" I answered, "By the way, what`s your dog`s name?" "Oh, sir, my dog`s name is `Porky`, isn`t that cute?" "Well, it certainly is an unusual name for a dog. Why do you call him `Porky`?" "Because he fucks pigs!" |