| An Aussie drover walks into a bar with his pet crocodile by his side. He puts the crocodile up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons and announced, "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside. Then the croc will close his mouth for one minute. Then he'll open his mouth And I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his Johnson and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth. The croc closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and smacked the crocodile hard on the top of its head. The croc opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered, and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer, "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try." A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A Blonde woman timidly spoke up, "I'll try it - Just don't hit me so hard with the beer bottle!" |
| A Blonde buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool. After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting pregnant, and phones a vet for help. The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination. The blonde doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know when the sheep are pregnant. The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant. The blonde hangs up and gives it some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to impregnate the sheep himself. So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed. Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted. Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round. Try again... he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls listlessly into bed. The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out of the window. He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the grass. "No," she says, "they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is beeping the horn." |
| A young Blonde enrolls for a Woodwork Class. On the first day of the school term the teacher was surprised to see a rather prim young lady sitting in the front row of his classroom. Her name was Sarah and she was the only girl to sign up for the woodwork class. The bemused teacher asked Sarah if she was sure she was in the right class. Sarah assured him that she was. The teacher, still somewhat puzzled, added, "This course may be a bit out of your league. Do you have any experience at all working with tools?" "What exactly do you mean?" Sarah asked. "Well, for example, do you know the difference between a nail, a screw and a bolt?" the teacher expounded After pondering for a moment, Sarah admitted, "I really cannot say, since I've never been 'bolted' before!" |
| Maggie, a blonde city girl, marries a dairy farmer. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, farmer John says to Maggie, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the rail above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?" So then the farmer leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Maggie takes him down to the barn. They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one... right here." Terribly impressed by what he seemed to think just might be another ditzy blonde, the man asks, "Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?" "That's simple, by the nail over its stall," Maggie explains very confidently. Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?" She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence, says, "To hang your trousers on." |