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All-Girls Trip
Dear Diary - Day 1
All packed for the cruise ship -- all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, short sets. Really, really exciting. Our local Red Hat chapter decided on this "all-girls" trip.
Dear Diary - Day 2
Entire day at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today -- seems like a very nice man.
Dear Diary - Day 3
At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honoured and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.
Dear Diary - Day 4
Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.
Dear Diary - Day 5
Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is charming. He again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me, if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship.. I was shocked.
Dear Diary - Day 6
Today I saved 1600 lives. Twice -
Licker License
A guy orders a beer. The bartender fills the mug and slides it down the bar.
It hits the blonde woman's boobs and splashes all over them... the bartender goes over, retrieves the mug and licks the beer off her boobs.
Each time the guy calls for another beer this happens. So after his third beer, he decides to help the bartender out. The next time the bartender hit her boobs, the man jumps up and starts to lick her breasts and she decks him!
He is laying on the floor moaning, "Jeez lady... Why do you let the bartender do it?"
"Duh," says the blonde, "He has a licker license!" -
A Blonde and her Dog
One hot summer day, a blonde came to town with her dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into a restaurant for something cold to drink.
Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the restaurant and asked, 'Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?'
The blonde said it was hers.
'Your dog seems to be in heat,' the officer said.
The blonde replied, 'No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree.'
The policeman said, 'No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred.'
'No way,' said the blonde. 'My dog doesn't need bread. She isn't hungry 'cause I fed her this morning.'
The exasperated policeman said, 'NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex!'
The blonde looked at the cop and said, 'Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog.' -
Artificial Insemination
Phoebe, a blonde city girl, marries an Australian dairy farmer. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, farmer John says to Phoebe, "The insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the 2 by 4 just above the cow's stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, OK?"
Then the farmer leaves for the fields. After a while, the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Phoebe takes him down to the barn.
They walk along the row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, "This is the one... right here."
Terribly impressed by what he thought just might be another dizzy blonde, the man asks, "Tell me lady, how did you know this is the cow to be bred?"
That's simple. By the nail over its stall," Phoebe explains very confidently.
Then the man asks, "What's the nail for?"
She turns and walks away, and with complete confidence, says, "I guess it's to hang your trousers on."