| There`s a queue of nuns waiting to go into heaven and St. Peter is at the front of the queue with a bowl of holy water. He says to the first nun; "Have you ever had contact with a man`s penis?" The nun replies, "Only with the tip of my finger." "Then stick it in the holy water and pass into heaven", replies St.Peter. The next nun admits that`s she`s held a penis with her right hand. "Then dip your whole hand in the water and you may pass through", replies Saint Peter. Suddenly there`s some pushing in the queue and Sister Joan appears at the front of the queue. "There`s no rush", says St. Peter. "You`ll all get in, it`ll just take a little time." he adds. "Well St. Peter", replies Sister Joan, "if I`m going to have to gargle that water I want to do it before Sister Helen sticks her arse in it!" |
| A married couple was on holiday in Pakistan.
They were touring around the marketplace
looking at the goods and such, when they
passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard a gentleman with a Pakistani accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come indo my humble shop." So the married couple walked in. The Pakistani man said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. They`ll make you wild at sex like a great desert camel." While, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, her husband felt he really didn`t need them, being the sex god that he was. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?" The Pakistani man replied, "Just try them on, Sir." The husband, after much badgering from his wife, finally conceded to try them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes; something his wife hadn`t seen in many years -- raw sexual power. In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Pakistani man, bent him over a table and yanked down his pants. He then ripped down his own pants and grabbed a firm hold of the Pakistani. The Pakistani then began screaming, "YOU HAVE THEM ON THE WRONG FEET!" |
| Q: Why do reindeer have red noses? A: They are not equipped with ABS and thus tend to bump into things on slippery surfaces. This is why Santa is often seen with a red nose (the sleigh doesn`t have an airbag, either). Q: Why does Santa use Elves? A: There is no trade union for Elves. They`re easy to exploit. Q: Is there really a Mrs. Claus? A: Highly unlikely. Since Santa is surrounded by male figures (Elves, reindeer named Rudolph, Donner, Blitzen etc.) his sexual preference seems to tend towards homosexuality. He is said to have some problems finding a gerontophile/zoophile Elf for a threesome with a reindeer, though. Q: Does Santa really live on the North Pole? A: Uncertain. However, rumor has it that the story of Santa and the North Pole has nothing to do with the Arctic, but that Santa is known to frequently ask the Elves and reindeer if he can shove his pole up north. Obviously, this is related to the cryptic description "up where the sun don`t shine", which applies to both the North Pole and assholes in general. Q: Does Santa really work all year round making toys? A: Get real! Check the box in which the Christmas gift came! Does it say "Made on the North Pole"? ("Made in China", more likely) Q: Then what does he DO all year? A: Uncertain. Chasing Elves and reindeer, most likely. Maybe he spends his winters in Florida. Q: Is the story about the little angel and the Christmas tree true? A: Without a doubt. Santa has a temper and can develop a nasty attitude (he doesn`t take stress too well). Q: If so, why do the little angels on Christmas trees look happy (given the fact they have a tree up theirs)? A: Little angels are known to be kinky. Q: Do the polar bears on the North Pole cause Santa any trouble? A: Not since Santa equipped the guard Elves with M-61 submachine guns. Q: So Santa is basically a gun-crazy, homosexual, angry old man who exploits little Elves, fools around all day, and drives around in a sleigh that lacks basic security measures? A: You forgot about the bestiality thing. |
| An old Jewish man is talking long- distance to California when all of a sudden he gets cut off. He hollers, "Operator, giff me beck the party!" She says, "I`m sorry sir, you`ll have to make the call all over again." He says, "What do you want from my life? Giff me beck da party." She says, "I`m sorry sir, you`ll have to place the call again." He says, "Operator, ya know vat? Take da telephone and shove it in you-know-vere!" And he hangs up. Two days later he opens the door and there are two big, strapping guys standing there who say, "We came to take your telephone out." He says, "Vy?" They say, "Because you insulted Operator 28 two days ago. But if you`d like to call up and apologize, we`ll leave the telephone here." He says, "Vait a minute, vat`s da rush, vat`s da hurry?" He goes to the telephone and dials. "Hello? Get me Operator 28. Hello, Operator 28? Remember me? Two days ago I insulted you? I told you to take da telephone and shove it in you-know-vere?" She says, "Yes?" He says, "Vell, get ready -- dey`re bringin` it to ya!" |