| Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands` performance as a lover.
The first woman says, "My Husband works as a marriage counselor. He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that." The second woman says, "My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kind of like that." The third woman just shakes her head and says, "My husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it`s going to be when I get it." |
| One day, a man complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor. "His friend said, " Don`t do that. There`s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. And it only costs $10.00." Jeff figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read: You have tennis elbow.Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks. That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter.To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed lights, and printed out the following analysis: Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti fungal shampoo. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant ....... twin girls. They aren`t yours. Get a lawyer. And...if you don`t stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better. |
| Jill called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. Tech Support: "Are you running it under Windows." Jill: "No, my desk is next to the door. But that`s a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine." Tech Support: "OK, let`s press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter `P` to bring up the Program Manager.", Jill: "I don`t have a `P`." Tech Support: "On your keyboard.", Jill: "What do you mean?" Tech Support: "`P` on your keyboard." Jill: "I`m not going to do that!" |
| A group of men are sitting in a sauna
discussing business and stocks when
suddenly a cellular phone rings. "Hi honey, are you at the club?" "Yes, dear." "Honey you won`t believe this but I`m standing in front of Giovannis and there`s a beautiful mink on sale in the window." "How much is it, dear?" "They`re giving it away. Only $5000. Can you believe it?" "But you already have fur coats?" "Please dear it`s absolutely exquisite!" "Fine, fine go ahead and buy it!" "Thank you sweetheart. Oh, not to keep you much longer, I passed by the Mercedes dealership this morning and saw their new convertible. It was to die for! I talked to the salesman and the one in the showroom is brand new, leather seats, power everything, gold coloured. What do you think??" "Honey, come on, we already have cars!" "You promised me that I could get a convertible!" "How much is it?" "You won`t believe it but he said he`d let us have it for $85,000 fully loaded with all the options!!!" "OK, OK, go ahead and purchase it!" "I love you, you`re the best husband a wife could ask for. I hope I`m not pushing it, but remember our trip we took to Paris? Remember the Brown`s place with the swimming pool, tennis courts? It`s on the market to be sold. I saw it this morning at the Real Estate agency. If we bought it we would have a perfect place to stay during the cold winter months!!!" "I had actually thought about it. You say it`s on the market?" "Really, you were actually thinking about it? Can I go make an offer on it? You know it`s not listed very high, and It would be perfect for our type of lifestyle!!" "How much is it listed at?" "Only $425,000 sweetheart. It`s a steal!" "I guess we`ve got money put away. Go ahead and make an offer but no more than $415,000." "This is turning out to be a great day! Can`t wait to see you later tonight to celebrate!!!" "See you tonight dear." The man hangs up the cellular phone and asks, "So, who`s phone is this?" |