| I was helping someone set up his computer, and he wanted to log in
with a password.... now you have to understand he`s got somewhat of
a rebellious attitude and goes for the shock effect... so when the
computer asked him to enter his password, he keys in "penis"... I
nearly fell off the chair from laughing so hard when the computer replied: *** PASSWORD REJECTED. TOO SHORT *** |
| A burly good `ol boy Texan on a flight flags down a steward and says, "Captain, I want a drink but I don`t see the stewardess around". The steward answers, "Actually I`m not the captain. This airline is proud to have integrated many of the traditional male-female roles of the industry. I`d be happy to get you a drink". Passenger: "Wow, what does the captain think of that?" Steward: "She`s all for it, in fact, the entire flight crew is female." Passenger: "I don`t believe it!! Take me up to the cockpit so I can see for myself!" Steward: "Actually sir, we don`t call it that anymore." |
| Often the fantasies typed into the keyboards and shared through the internet. However, as you`ll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an online chat. Wellhung:Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like? Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a mini skirt and high heels. I work out every day, I`m toned and perfect. My measurements are 36c-24-36. What do you look like? WH: I`m 6`3" and about 250lbs. I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought at Walmart. I`m also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner....it smells funny. SH: I want you. Would you like to screw me? WH: OK SH: We`re in my bedroom. There`s soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I`m looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge. WH: I`m gulping, I`m beginning to sweat. SH: I`m pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest. WH: Now I`m unbuttonong your blouse. My hands are trembling. SH: I`m moaning softly. WH: I`m taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly. SH: I`m throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off my warm skin. I`m rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing. WH: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidently rips a hole in your blouse. I`m sorry. SH: That`s OK, it wasn`t really too expensive. WH: I`ll pay for it. SH: Don`t worry about it. I`m wearing a lacy black bra. My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder. WH: I`m fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think its stuck. Do you have any scissors? SH: I take your hand and kiss it softly. I`m reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breast. My nipples are erect for you. WH: How did you do that? I`m picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp. SH: I`m arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me. WH: I`m dropping the bra. Now I`m licking your, you know, breasts. They`re neat! SH: I`m running my fingers through your hair. Now I`m nibbling your ear. WH: I suddenly sneeze. Your breast are covered with spit and phlegm. SH: What? WH: I`m so sorry...really... SH: I`m wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse. WH: I`m taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop. SH: OK. I`m pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool. WH: I`m screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeee!!! SH: I`m pulling up my mini skirt. Take off my panties. WH: I`m pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you...umm...wait a minute. SH: What`s the matter? WH:I`ve got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I`m choking. SH: Are you OK? WH:I`m having a coughing fit. I`m turning all red. SH: Can i help? WH:I`m running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I`m fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups? SH: In the cabinet to the right of the sink. WH: I`m drinking a cup of water. There, that`s better. SH: Come back to me, lover. WH: I`m washing the cup now. SH: I`m on the bed arching for you. WH: I`m drying the cup. Now I`m putting it back in the cabinet. And now I`m walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it`s dark, I`m lost. Where`s the bedroom? SH: Last door on the left at the end of the hall. WH: I found it. SH: I`m tuggin` off your pants. I`m moaning. I want you so badly. WH: Me too. SH: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately-our naked bodies pressing against each other. WH: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts. SH: Why don`t you take off your glasses? WH: OK, but I can`t see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table. SH: I`m bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby WH: I have to pee. I`m fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom. SH: Hurry back, lover. WH: I find the bathroom and its dark. I`m feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid. SH: I`m waiting eagerly for your return. WH: I`m done going. I`m feeling around for the flush handle, but I can`t find it. Uh-oh! SH: What`s the matter now? WH: I`ve realized that I`ve peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I`m walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way. SH: Mmm, yes, come on now. WH: OK, now I`m going to put my...you know... thing.. in your...you know...woman thing. SH: Yes! Do it, baby! Oh yes!! WH: I`m touching your smooth butt. It feels nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I`m having a little trouble here. SH: I`m moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can`t stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now! WH: I`m flaccid. SH: What? WH: I`m limp. I can`t sustain an erection. SH: I`m standing up and turning around, an incredulous look on my face. WH: I`m shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy. I`m going to get my glasses and see what`s wrong. SH: No, never mind. I`m getting dressed. I`m putting on my underwear. Now I`m putting on my wet nasty blouse. WH: No, wait! Now I`m squinting, trying to find the night table. I`m feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hairspray, and your candles. SH: I`m buttoning my blouse. Now I`m putting on my shoes. WH: I`ve found my glasses. I`m putting them on. My God! One of your candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I`m pointing at it, a shocked look on my face. SH: Go to hell. I`m logging off, you los. |
| I am facing a very serious problem. You see, I am a Vietnam-era deserter from the U.S. Marines. My mother peddles Nazi literature to Girl Scouts and my father (a former dentist) is in jail for 30 years for raping most of his patients while they were under anesthesia. The sole supports of our large family, including myself and my $500-a-week heroin habit, are my uncle (master pickpocket, Benny "The Fingers"), my 70-year-old aunt Hester (a shoplifter), and my two kid sisters, who are well-known streetwalkers. My problem is this: I have just gotten engaged to the most beautiful, sweetest girl in the world. She is just sweet sixteen, and we are going to marry as soon as she can escape from reform school. To support ourselves, we are going to move to Mexico and start a fake Aztec souvenir factory staffed by child labor. We look forward to bringing our kids into the family business. But I am worried that my family will not make a good impression on hers. In your opinion, should I, or shouldn t I, tell her about my cousin who works for Microsoft? |