| An old Oxford professor is nearing retirement and decides that he wants to do something fun for once. He's spent his whole life researching scientific theories in his lab and wants to do something outside for a change, so he asks his assistant for a suggestion of something different to go and research. This assistant is a bit of a git and decides he'll play a prank on the old man, and suggests he research 'sheep shagging'. The professor thinks this is a great idea and heads off to Wales to begin his research.He heads out to the countryside and finds a farmer to quiz about his unnatural habits. The professor greets him and asks if he's got time to answer a couple of quick questions. "No problem boyo" says the farmer, "go right ahead. "Well," said the professor, "what I'd like to know first is, do you own any sheep here?" "Of course boyo, biggest farm for miles round here I have. We've got loads of 'em" "Great, now the next question is a bit personal - do you use your sheep for sex?" "Ohh, too right boyo. There's three or four out there who are my particular favourites." "So, how exactly do you... do it?" "Well, normally I take them down to the river, I slap their back feet in my wellies, the sheep pushes back from the water, bloody heaven boyo." The professor thanks him and heads for the airport. Having heard about the Kiwis, he heads out to New Zealand with exactly the same plan. He finds a farm, talks to the farmer and gets the same responses. "Round up the sheep, head 'em up towards a cliff and off you go. Back feet in my boots, sheep pushing back from the cliff, bloody marvelous mate." Again, the professor thanks him and decides that his research needs only one more addition. So he jets off to the world centre of sheep shagging, Australia. Once in Australia, he drives out to the bush, finds the biggest farm he can and knocks on the farmhouse door. He repeats his questions to the farmer. "Too right mate. Usually I stick their back legs in me wellies, front legs over me shoulders and away we go!" "So the sheep faces you? That's strange - I've been talking to people around the world about this, and they all do it with the sheep facing away from them." The Aussie is shocked. For a few seconds he can't speak, then he manages to stutter, "What? No kissing?" |
| A young innocent girl is about to go on her 1st date and is given some word of advice and warning by her mother, "Look darling, they all want the same, so do be very careful and don't you ever let him; 1. Kiss your lips. Your lips are as soft as rose petals and will shrivel, 2. Or touch your breast. They are like of thin crystal and can shatter, and 3. Never ever to touch your "private" part. That one is like a "GRILL" and will burn everything coming to touch it." The girl is off full of excitement and anxiety, and Mom waits and waits until just after midnight when she's back. "How was it?" asks mom. "Oh mom, it was absolutely fantastic, and I think I'm in love!" "Let's not go too fast dear. And did he tried to come too close?" "Well, yes, he did and I did as you said and he was absolutely careful not to hurt or harm me!" "What do you mean careful, did you let him do something?" "Not exactly mom, see it was like that. First he wanted to kiss me and I told him what you said, and he stopped. "Then he went to touch my breast and again I told him what you said, and he stopped. "Then he slowly went under my skirt close to the private part, and I told him what you said. "And he then took his hands out and said, 'What a coincidence, I happen to have a nice piece of "Fillet" and would love to put it in your "Grill" to cook!!'" "WHAT?!?" screams the mother, "I knew that bastard is no different to the others. You hopefully stopped him there too, didn't you?" "Well, not really mom. You see, he promised to be careful and was very careful not to 'burn' his fillet. Every now and then he took it out and had me 'taste it' to see if it was cooked or not." |
| A young Jewish man had just finished high school and wanted to go
to college. He approached his father and said, "Dad, would you
send me to college?" "Son," he replied, "You don't even know what's what! When you know what's what, I'll send you to college." His father then offered his son a job in the family business--a furniture store. The boy--let's call him Sam--worked in his father's store for the next year. After the year was over he approached his father again. "Dad," he said, "I've worked for you for a year. Now will you send me to college?" His dad replied, "Son, you still don't know what's what! When you know what's what I'll send you to college!" Sam was dejected. He left and went to a bar to have a drink. At the bar he met an attractive young lady. They seemed to hit it off well. They both left and went to her apartment. After an hour of a little of this and a little of that on the sofa, the young lady said she was going to go to her bedroom and slip into something more comfortable. When she returned she was totally naked, except for a tiny belt around her waist. Sam looked at her in astonishment. Sam pointed to the belt and asked, "What's that?" The lady answered, "What's what?" Sam replied, "If I knew what's what I'd be in college!!!" |
| Two nuns from abroad have just arrived in the United States by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs." br> "Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do." Nodding emphatically, one of the nuns points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she says. The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter. Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs." One of them opens the foil and begins to blush. Staring at it for a moment, she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?" |