| One hot summer day, a redneck came to town with his dog, tied it under the shade of a tree, and headed into the bar for a cold one. Twenty minutes later, a policeman entered the bar and asked, "Who owns the dog tied under that tree outside?" The redneck said it was his. "Your dog seems to be in heat." The redneck replied, "No way. She's cool 'cause she's tied up under that shade tree." The policeman said, "No! You don't understand. Your dog needs to be bred." "No way," said the redneck. "That dog don't need bread. She ain't hungry 'cause I fed her this mornin'." The exasperated policeman said, "NO! You don't understand. Your dog wants to have sex!" The redneck looked at the cop and said, "Well, go ahead. I always wanted a police dog!" |
| Bob walks into a bar and sees his friend Paul slumped over the bar. He walks over and asks Paul what's wrong. "Well," replies Paul, "You know that beautiful girl at work that I wanted to ask out, but I got an erection every time I saw her?" "Yes," replies Smith with a laugh. "Well," says Paul, straightening up, "I finally worked up the courage to ask her out, and she agreed." "That's great!" says Smith, "When are you going out?" "I went to meet her this evening," continues Paul, "but I was worried I'd get an erection again. So I got some duct tape and taped "it" to my leg, so if I did, it wouldn't show." "Sensible," says Smith. "So I get to her door," says Paul, "and I rang her doorbell. She answered it in the sheerest, sexiest, dress you ever saw." "And what happened then?" "I kicked her between her legs." |
| A man took his son to the zoo. They found the monkey cage very entertaining until the father noticed two monkeys in a compromising position which embarrassed him to no end because his son was watching. He walked up to the keeper and asked if he could stop them. The keeper told him that they are in their natural habitat and could not do anything about it. The father asked the keeper, "If I throw peanuts at them, do you think they would stop?" The keeper looked at the father in the eye and said, "Would you?" |
| Farmer John once lived on a quiet rural highway but as time went by, the traffic slowly built up and eventually got so heavy and so fast that his free range chickens were being run over, at a rate of three to six a week. So Farmer John called the local police station to complain, `You've got to do something about all these people driving so fast and killing all my chickens,` he said to the local police officer. "What do you want me to do?" asked the policeman. "I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!" So the next day the policeman had the Council erect a sign that said: SCHOOL CROSSING Three days later Farmer John called the policeman and said, "You've still got to do something about these drivers. The 'School Crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster!" So again, they put up a new sign: 'SLOW - CHILDREN AT PLAY.' That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and said, "Your signs are no good. Can I put up my own sign?" In order to get Farmer John off his back said, "Sure. Put up your own sign." The phone calls to the Police Station stopped, but curiosity got the better of the Officer, so he called Farmer John, "How's the problem with the speeding drivers. did you put up your sign?" "Oh, I sure did and not one chicken has been killed." The policeman was really curious and thought he'd better go out and take a look at the sign. He also thought the sign might be something the Police could use elsewhere, to slow drivers down. So he drove out to Farmer John's house. His jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign - 'NUDIST COLONY' 'Slow down and watch out for chicks!' |