| I knew a girl at work once, who was truly concerned about her husband's smoking. She told me that she had finally gotten him to agree to limit his smoking at home to only those times when they had finished making love. She had gotten the idea from a classic movie they had both seen on TV called "Cold Turkey". After about a week I asked her how it was going. "Well, not too bad." She said, getting up off of a pillow she had in her chair and limping towards the photocopy machine. "I've gotten him up to about a pack a night now." |
| Harry was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his proposal of marriage as he was sensitive about his wooden leg and a bit afraid no one would have him. In fact, he couldn't bring himself to tell his fiancee' about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger, nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place. All he kept saying was, "Darling, I've got a big surprise for you," at which she blushed and smiled bewitchingly. The wedding night came and went and the young couple were at last alone in their hotel room. "Now don't forget, Harry, you promised me a big surprise," said the bride. Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, unstrapped his wooden leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wife's hand on the stump. "Hmmmmmm," she said softly, "That IS a surprise. But pass me the Vaseline and I'll see what I can do!" |
| There was a virgin who was going to get married. She asked her mother if it hurt when you had sex. Her mother said not really, but to help you can use Vaseline. So the virgin goes and buys a jar and puts it in her suitcase. At the hotel room on her wedding night, she is lying in bed while her husband is in the bathroom getting ready. She decides to rub a little Vaseline on. He comes out of the bathroom and she says, "Oh MY!", and then rubs a little more Vaseline on. He gets half way across the room and she says, "Oh MY GOD!!" and rubs a little more on. He gets right beside the bed and she says, "HOLY SHIT!!!" and puts the rest of it on. Her husband stands there for a moment and takes a look. He then walks over to her suitcase, takes her rosary beads out and starts to wrap them around his penis. She says, "What the heck are you doing?" He replies, "It looks a little slick. I thought I'd put some chains on." Harry was delighted when he found a young woman who accepted his proposal of marriage as he was sensitive about his wooden leg and a bit afraid no one would have him. In fact, he couldn't bring himself to tell his fiancee' about his leg when he slipped the ring on her finger, nor when she bought the dress, nor when they picked the time and place. All he kept saying was, "Darling, I've got a big surprise for you," at which she blushed and smiled bewitchingly. The wedding night came and went and the young couple were at last alone in their hotel room. "Now don't forget, Harry, you promised me a big surprise," said the bride. Unable to say a word, Harry turned out the lights, unstrapped his wooden leg, slipped into bed, and placed his wife's hand on the stump. "Hmmmmmm," she said softly, "That IS a surprise. But pass me the Vaseline and I'll see what I can do!" |
| A guy thought his wife was cheating on him. So he waited for her to leave that night and jumped in a cab to follow her. By following her he found out she was working in the local 'Fun House'. The guy says to the cabbie, "Wanna make a $ 100?" The cabbie says, "Sure, what do I have to do?" The guy replied that all the cabbie has to do was go inside the and grab his wife and put her in the back of the cab and take them home. So the cabbie goes in. A couple of minutes later the door gets kicked open, and the cabbie is dragging this woman out who is kicking, biting, punching, and fighting all the way to the cab. The cabbie opens the door to the cab, throws the girl inside, and tells the man, "Here hold her!!" The man looks down at the girl and says to the cabbie, "THIS AIN'T MY WIFE". The cabbie replied, "I KNOW, IT'S MINE; I'M GOING BACK IN FOR YOURS!!" |