| Carla was well into her seventies when she went to her doctor complaining of nausea, exhaustion, and occasional cramps. After a thorough examination the doctor sent her to the hospital for a battery of tests, and finally confronted her with the results. "Mrs. Barber, medically impossible though it seems at your age, there's no doubt about it: you're pregnant." "Impossible," she cried, and fainted dead away. When she came to, she staggered to the phone, dialed her eighty-two-year-old husband, and screeched, "You've knocked me up, you randy old goat!" There was a long pause at the other end of the line. Then a voice said, "And to whom am I speaking?" |
| Morris comes home to find his wife, Sadie, crying. "I found out from Mrs. Goldberg that you've been having an affair with that chippie secretary in your office. Why would you do that to me? Haven't I always been the good wife? I've cooked for you, raised your children, and I've always been by your side for thirty-five years. What haven't I done to make you happy?" Embarrassed, Morris confesses, "It's true, Sadie, you've been the best wife a man could hope for. You make me happy in all ways but one. You don't moan when we have sex!" Sadie questions, "If I moaned when we had sex, you'd stop running around?! All right, come to the bedroom so I can show you that I, too, can moan during sex!" So they retire to the bedroom, get undressed, and climb beneath the sheets. As they begin to kiss, Sadie asks, "Now, Morris, should I moan now?" "No not yet." As things progress, Sadie asks, "What about now, Morris? Should I moan now?" "No, I'll tell you when!" "Is it time for me to moan, Morris?" "Wait, I'll tell you when." Moments later, in the heat of passion, seconds before reaching climax, Morris yells "Now, Sadie, moan! MOAN!" "OY! You wouldn't BELIEVE what a day I had! First the toilet plugged up and overflowed, then the vacuum cleaner shorted out when I tried to vacuum up the mess, then...." |
| A man's walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows. "Twenty bucks," she says. He's never been with a hooker before, but he decides what the hell. They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them... it's a police officer. "What's going on here, people?" asks the officer. "I'm making love to my wife," the man answers indignantly. "Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know." "Well," said the man, "neither did I until you shined that light in her face." |
| An 'under performing' bus driver goes to see his doctor. He wants some Viagra, but he doesn't want his wife to know about it. The doctor prescribes it for him and he heads off to the pharmacist. Home is a good hour away so the bus driver quickly downs one of the little blue pills. When he gets home, he doesn't even have to tell his wife with words. That twinkle in his eye speaks volumes. They tear off each others clothes and are quickly in bed. He manages to "rise to the occasion" three times. He expects his wife to be delighted, but instead, she seems rather sad. "What's wrong, dear?" he asks. "I think your job is taking over every aspect of your life and it's doing you in," she sighs. "What do you mean?" "I mean... even our sex life is like the bus service. Nothing for ages, and then three come at once!" |