| A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or pleasure. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question. After consulting the Bible, the priest says, "My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays." The man thinks, "What does a priest know about sex"? So he goes to a Lutheran minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter. He queries the minister and receives the same reply, "Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath"! Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out a Rabbi, a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, sex is definitely pleasure." The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work"? The Rabbi softly speaks, "My son, if sex was work, my wife would have the maid do it." |
| Sister Margaret had been a Nun all her life. Then she was called to her reward. As she approached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter said, "Hold on, Sister Margaret; not so fast!" "But I have been good all my life and dedicated to the work of the Lord from the time I was taken in as an infant by the sisters at the Convent to my dying breath. I have lived for this moment!" Sister Margaret exclaimed in disbelief. "That is just the problem," replied St. Peter. "You never learned right from wrong and, to get into Heaven, you must know the difference between right and wrong. "Well, what can I do? I will do anything to get into Heaven!" Sister Margaret pleaded. "I am going to have to send you back down to Earth. When you get there I want you to smoke a cigarette and call me when you are finished. We will discuss your situation then," ordered St. Peter. Sister Margaret returned to Earth, smoked a Camel, and then immediately called St. Peter, coughing and hacking. "Saint Peter" she gasped, "I can hardly breathe, my mouth tastes terrible, my breath stinks, I feel dizzy, and I think I am going to throw up." "Good!" replied the old Saint. "Now you are finally getting a feel for right and wrong. Now go out tonight and drink some hard liquor and call me when you are ready." Sister Margaret phoned St. Peter immediately after having several belts of Jack Daniel's. "Saint Peter.... I feel woozy. That vile liquor burned my throat and nauseated me. It is all I can do to keep it down." "Good, good! Now you are starting to see the difference between right and wrong," said St. Peter with delight. "Tomorrow I want you to seek out a man and know him in the Biblical sense. You know, Have sex with him, afterward, call me." Two weeks passed before Sister Margaret called St. Peter and left a message: "Yo, Pete, It's Maggy.........It's gonna be a while. |
| In a small cathedral a janitor was cleaning the pews between services when he was approached by the minister. The minister asked the janitor, "Could you go into the confessional and listen to confessions for me? I really have to go to the bathroom and the Widow McGee is coming. She tends to go on but never really does anything worthy of serious repentance, so when she's done just give her 10 Hail Mary's and I'll be right back." Being the helpful sort, the janitor agreed. Just as expected the Widow McGee came into the booth and started her confession. "Oh Father, I fear I have done the unforgivable. I have given into carnal thoughts and have had oral sex." Stunned, the janitor had no idea how to handle this situation. Surely 10 Hail Mary's would not do. So, in a moment of desperation the janitor peered his head out of the confessional and asked an altar boy, "Son, what does the minister give for oral sex?" In reply the altar boy said, "Two Snickers bars and a Coke." |
| One Sunday morning, a young woman, who needed forgiveness for her sins, came to a Baptist church. She got up in front of the congregation and stated, "Last week, I slept with a young soldier who picked me up at a bar and now I ask the Lord's forgiveness." "Hallelujah!", cried the congregation. She continued, "Two days ago, I slept with a young sailor, but now I ask the Lord's forgiveness." "Hallelujah!", cried the congregation again. "But tonight, because I have come here and done my penance, I will sleep with the Lord," she finished. But before the congregation could respond, an old drunk in the back yelled out in a clear voice, "That's fucking great... fuck 'em all." |