| One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house. His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house. Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door. He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?" She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and ask me what in the world did I do today?" "Yes," was his incredulous reply. She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it." |
| There are two polite people having dinner together. On the table there is a dish with one big piece of fish and one small piece of fish. They politely say to each other, "You may choose first." "No, you may choose first." And this goes on for a while. Then the first person says, "OK, I'll take first." And he takes the BIG piece of fish. The second person, "Why did you take the big piece? That's not polite!" The first person says, "Which piece would *you* have taken?" The second person replies, "Why, I would have taken the SMALL piece, of course." The first person says, "Well, that's what you have now!" |
| Pankaj Udhas dips his french fries in afsauce. My internet connection just betrayed me. Isse kehte hain bewifi. People who don't like Agarbattis are really incenseitive. What's the need to arrest Vijay Mallya? He has anyway spent most of his life behind bars. Jackie Shroff's dog is Scoobhidu. What do you call people who don't believe in going to the gym? Gymnastiks. Main Roti rehti hoon, wo Atta hi nahi. How do you pronounce repertoire?" "You know the word 'report' right?" "Yeah" "Now say it like a Bihari" "ripatwa... ohhhh" If you pay for a Patanjali anti hair-fall product with PayTM and apply a valid coupon code, you get keshback! Never say "give me five" to a snake. Woh tumhe dus dega. |
| There was an old man named Bill, and one of the things he most enjoyed was playing golf with his old buddy Fred. Bill's wife always commented on how happy he looked after a game. But one day he came home from their weekly game looking terrible and very tired. His wife asked, "What's the matter, Bill? You always seem so happy after golf and you look miserable right now." Bill said, "Well, something terrible happened. Fred had a heart attack on the first hole." "My God, honey!` said the wife, rushing to comfort him. "That must've been terrible!" "It was," he said. "All day long it was: hit the ball, drag Fred to the ball, and then hit it again..." |