Don't knock masturbation, it's sex with someone I love.
Woody Allen.
I feel schizophrenic; first he says 'open your mouth,' then he says 'keep it closed.'
Monica Lewinsky
The top ten reasons why masturbation is better than sex:
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Anonymous
I can fit the whole thing in my mouth, but I can't blow it while it's in there...
Sarah O'Brien, in reference to her pitch pipe
The mass of men lead lives of quiet masturbation.
Henry David Thoreau
I probably won't go down in history, but I will go down on your sister. While I'm down there it might be nice to see a hint of pubis. I'm not talking about a huge 70s playboy bush or anything, just something that reminds me I'm performing cunnilingus on an adult.
Hank Moody