The object of war is not to die for your country, but to make the other bastard die for his.
You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone.
A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs, jolted by every pebble in the road.
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it by not dying.
In order to keep a true perspective of one's importance, everyone should have a dog that will worship him and a cat that will ignore him.
Seven days without laughter make one weak.
I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
I don't want to achieve immortality through my work. I want to achieve it through not dying.
Humor is a serious thing. I like to think of it as one of our greatest earliest natural resources, which must be preserved at all cost.