Mature Jokes

An Young lady dies and goes to heaven. She`s chatting it up with St. Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful, blood curdling screams. "Don`t worry about that...

How long is your one?
I have one.
You have one.
Your mother uses your father`s one and your auntie uses your uncle`s one.
A married lady would...

Suspecting her husband of infidelity, the woman attempted to put an end to it by arousing his jealousy.
"What would you say if I told you that I`ve been sleeping with...

A man sits in a bar, reading a newspaper. Suddenly he is tapped on his shoulder by another man, "Excuse me sir, but do you know Mrs. Appleblossom?"
The man folds up his newspaper, coughs slightly and replies...

A man returned from a very fancy hospital and was telling his friend all about his experience.
"The hospital I was in was very specialized."
"How so ?" asked his friend.
"They had a food nurse...

Girl: Kya Tum Mujhe Apni Family Se Zyada Chahte Ho???
Boy: No.
Girl: Kyun...?
Boy: Jab Main Paida Hua Toh Meri Maa Ne Musibat Jheli.
Jab Bada Hone Laga Toh...

Wanting a portrait with which to surprise his wife, a businessman asked a blonde female painter he`d been recommended to paint him in the nude.
"No," the talented blonde artist said. "I don"t do that...

One night this guy and his girlfriend were about to go into his apartment and before he could open his door his girlfriend said, "Wait a minute, I can tell how a man makes love by how he unlocks his door...

1. Wear your glasses to make sure your partner is actually in the bed.
2. Set timer for 3 minutes, in case you doze off in the middle.
3. Set the mood with lighting....

"Hello?"
"Hi honey.
This is Daddy....... Is Mommy near the phone?"
"No Daddy, she`s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul."
After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you don`t have an Uncle Paul...