The very snobbish wife was discussing the subject of Christmas presents with her maid.
"Now what about the butler?" the rich woman said.
"A set of wine glasses?" the maid suggested.
The woman frowned icily. "He doesn't really need that. A butler never entertains. He'll get a tie."
The maid grimaced, but said only, "What about a dress for Jenny, the serving girl?"
The woman frowned again. "She doesn't really need a new dress. She'll only get in trouble. We'll get her another apron."
The conversation continued in the same vein, and the maid was chafing at her employer's arrogance when they reached her husband.
"I assume you want to get him something he really needs, madam?" the maid replied.
"Of course," the woman replied.
"Then how about five more inches?"
A newly married man was discussing his honeymoon. He says to his buddy at lunch, "Last night, I rolled over, tapped my beautiful young wife on the shoulder, gave her a wink, and we had ourselves a performance!"
"A little later I rolled over, gave my sweetie a nudge, and we had ourselves another performance."
"Well, being so newly married and not yet tired of the task, I waited quietly in bed while my beauty slept until I couldn't wait any longer. I gave her a little nudge. She opened her blue eyes and smiled sweetly. We immediately had ourselves a rehearsal."
"A rehearsal?" his buddy asks, "Don't you mean a performance?"
"No, because a rehearsal is when nobody comes."
Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheikh came in.
"I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession."
The sheikh turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living.
"I'm a cop," says the first man.
"Then we will shoot your penis off!" said the sheikh.
He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living.
"I'm a firemen," said the second man.
"Then we will burn your penis off!" said the sheikh.
Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?"
The third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"
A blonde is pregnant, and is practically 9 months along. She goes to see her doctor for a routine check-up, but she is worried. She asks, "What if the baby starts coming, and I can't get to the hospital in time?"
The doctor replies, "Well, woman have been having babies for a million years without an attendance by doctors. It's a very natural process. The first thing you do is to assume the same position you were laying in when you got pregnant."
The blonde interrupts with, "Do you mean with the left foot in the glove compartment and the right foot hanging out the window?"
A doctor drives by a small town. He stops at a gas station & notices there is no one there.
A little kid passes by & tells him the gas station is closed because everyone is a the funeral of the owner's daughter.
Since he was out of gas, he decided to stay for the night & goes to the funeral When he gets there he goes in & looks at the open casket & notices that something is wrong.
He calls the father, "Sir, I'm a doctor & I can assure you she is not dead, she is in a catatonic sleep." "What do we do now?" asks the father.
"Does she have a boyfriend?", asks the doctor.
"Yes," replies the father.
"Take her to a room & have the boyfriend have sex with her."
They do as the doctor said & sure enough, she wakes up.
Everybody was happy & the doctor leaves once he fills up his gas tank.
A few months go by & the doctor returns to the same gas station. The same kid greets him again, "Doctor, it is so great to see you again. About a week ago Mrs. Edward died. Half of the town has screwed her already but she is just not waking up."
It was time for Father John's Saturday night bath and the young nun, Sister Magdalene, had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed.
Sister Magdalene was also instructed not to look at Father John's nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.
The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.
"Oh, sister," said the young nun dreamily, "I've been Saved."
"Saved? And how did that come about?" asked the old nun.
"Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven."
"Did he?" said the old nun curiously.
Sister Magdalene continued, "And Father John said that if The Key to Heaven fits my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured salvation and eternal peace. And then, Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock."
"Is that a fact?" said the old nun even more curiously.
"At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my Heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved."
"That wicked old bastard" said the old nun.
"He told me it was Gabriel's Horn and I've been blowing it for 40 years."
The pick-up couple was relaxing after a satisfying session of lovemaking.
The guy considered himself lucky to have been able to attract and bed such a luscious looking dish. He was even considering trying to establish a relationship instead of just a one-night stand.
But he couldn't help but to think that he had met her before.
"I can't help feeling that we've met before." he said.
"Yeah, I know," sighed the girl stretching. "It happens to me a lot. I think they call this 'de ja screw.'"
A man standing at a urinal notices that he's being watched by a midget.
"Wow," comments the midget. "Those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!"
Surprised and flattered, the man thanks the midget and continues to pee.
Suddenly, the midget pulls up a step ladder right next to the urinal and says, "Listen, I know this is a rather strange request, but as they're so admirable, I wonder if I could take a closer look."
Again the man is rather startled, but sees no real harm in it.
Just then, the midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man's balls, and says, "OK, hand me your wallet, or I'll jump off the ladder!"
Sister Margaret had been a Nun all her life. Then she was called to her reward. As she approached the Pearly Gates, St. Peter said, "Hold on, Sister Margaret; not so fast!"
"But I have been good all my life and dedicated to the work of the Lord from the time I was taken in as an infant by the sisters at the Convent to my dying breath. I have lived for this moment!" Sister Margaret exclaimed in disbelief.
"That is just the problem," replied St. Peter. "You never learned right from wrong and, to get into Heaven, you must know the difference between right and wrong.
"Well, what can I do? I will do anything to get into Heaven!" Sister Margaret pleaded.
"I am going to have to send you back down to Earth. When you get there I want you to smoke a cigarette and call me when you are finished. We will discuss your situation then," ordered St. Peter.
Sister Margaret returned to Earth, smoked a Camel, and then immediately called St. Peter, coughing and hacking. "Saint Peter" she gasped, "I can hardly breathe, my mouth tastes terrible, my breath stinks, I feel dizzy, and I think I am going to throw up."
"Good!" replied the old Saint. "Now you are finally getting a feel for right and wrong. Now go out tonight and drink some hard liquor and call me when you are ready."
Sister Margaret phoned St. Peter immediately after having several belts of Jack Daniel's. "Saint Peter.... I feel woozy. That vile liquor burned my throat and nauseated me. It is all I can do to keep it down."
"Good, good! Now you are starting to see the difference between right and wrong," said St. Peter with delight. "Tomorrow I want you to seek out a man and know him in the Biblical sense. You know, Have sex with him, afterward, call me."
Two weeks passed before Sister Margaret called St. Peter and left a message:
"Yo, Pete, It's Maggy.........It's gonna be a while.
Jones, who had been away on an extended trip, had very romantic plans for his first night home.
He broached them to his wife, who promptly said, "Oh, I'm sorry, dear, but I've got to do all of this laundry. Another time, please."
The next night Jones tried again, and his wife said, "Oh my, I would like to dear, but it wouldn't be any good. I've got this terrible headache. Please give me a rain check."
By the third night, Jones was rather impatient. "How about it?" he said urgently.
Whereupon, Mrs. Jones snapped. "This is the third night in a row you've asked. What are you? Some kind of a sex maniac?"