Little Johnny went to confession, at the beginning of Lent.... "Bless me Father for I have sinned. It has been 3 months since my last confession. In that time I have disobeyed my parents nine times, missed Sunday Mass once, had impure thoughts, oh, about nine hundred times, and played with a girl's private parts."
"Played with a girl's private parts!" exclaimed the priest. "Whoa, that's pretty serious. For your penance say three rosaries and wash your hands in holy water."
So Little Johnny knelt down and fudged his way through the laborious incantations of the three rosaries, then he made the trek up to the holy water font and started to wash his dirty little fingers, when the girl who was behind him in the confessional line walks up and says, "Move over, pal. I gotta gargle...."
A young couple with a box of condoms proceeded to do the wild thing. When they were finished, she discovered that there were only six condoms remaining in the box of 12, so she asked him, "What happened to the other five condoms?"
His nervous reply was, "Errr, I masturbated with them." Later, she then approached her male confidant friend, told him the story, and then asked him, "Have you ever done that?"
"Yeah, once or twice," he told her.
"You mean you've actually masturbated with a condom before?" she asked.
"Oh," he said, "I thought you were asking if I'd ever lied to my girlfriend."
The new hooker just finished her first trick. When she came back down to the street, the seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear the details.
She said, "well, he was a big muscular and handsome marine."
"Well, what did he want to do?" they all asked.
She said, "I told him that a straight lay was $100, but he said he didn't have that much."
"So I told him a BJ would be $75, but he didn't have that much either."
"Finally I said, well, how much do you have?"
The marine said that he only had $25.
The new hooker said, "Well, for $25 all I can give you is a hand job."
He agreed and after getting the finances straight, she said, "He pulled it out and I put one hand on it, and then the second hand above the first and then the first hand above the second hand....."
"OMG!!!" they all exclaimed, "It must have been huge! Then what did you do?"
"I loaned him $75!" she said.
A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.
Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor.
"I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him. "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself."
"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had had the same procedure done some time ago."
"And what about the third rose?" she asked.
"That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."
Three members of a weekly female bridge quartet were duly impressed when the fourth arrived wearing a gorgeous new mink coat.
"That's a lovely garment Joan," purred Kay.
"It must have cost a fortune!" Sue said.
"No, it didn't," said Joan, "just a single piece of ass."
"You mean," Barb chimed in, "one that you gave your husband?"
"No," smiled Joan "One that he got from the maid."
A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles. The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him. He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife. She directs him down the correct aisle.
A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.
She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?"
He answers, "You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's so much cheaper. So, I figure if I have to roll my own... so does she."
A guy on a date parks his car and gets the girl in the back seat. They make love, but the girl wants to make love again so the guy complies.
She wants more and they do it once again. She still wants more and the guy says "Excuse me a minute, I have to relieve myself."
While out of the car he notices a man half a block away changing a flat. He asks the man "Look, I've got this gal in my car and I've made love to her four or five times and she still wants more. I'll change your flat if you'll take over for me."
So that's what the man does and he is just getting in the high numbers when a cop knocks on the window and shines a light on them.
The cop asks, "What are you doing in there?"
The guy says, "I'm making love to my wife."
The cop asks, "Why don't you do that at home?"
The guy answers, "To tell you the truth, I didn't know it was my wife until you shined the light on her."
There was a loser who couldn't get a date. He went to a bar and asked this one guy how to get a date.
The guy said, "It's simple. I just say, I'm a lawyer."
So the guy went up to a pretty woman and asked her out. After she said "No," he told her that it was probably a good thing because he had a case early in the morning.
She said, "Oh!!!! Your a lawyer?"
He said, "Why,... Yes I am!"
So they went to his place and when they were in bed, screwing, he started to laugh to himself.
When she asked what was so funny, he answered, "Well, I've only been a lawyer for 15 minutes, and I'm already screwing someone!"
In a small cathedral a janitor was cleaning the pews between services when he was approached by the minister.
The minister asked the janitor, "Could you go into the confessional and listen to confessions for me? I really have to go to the bathroom and the Widow McGee is coming. She tends to go on but never really does anything worthy of serious repentance, so when she's done just give her 10 Hail Mary's and I'll be right back."
Being the helpful sort, the janitor agreed. Just as expected the Widow McGee came into the booth and started her confession.
"Oh Father, I fear I have done the unforgivable. I have given into carnal thoughts and have had oral sex."
Stunned, the janitor had no idea how to handle this situation. Surely 10 Hail Mary's would not do. So, in a moment of desperation the janitor peered his head out of the confessional and asked an altar boy, "Son, what does the minister give for oral sex?"
In reply the altar boy said, "Two Snickers bars and a Coke."
I don't know how many of you visit the MGM Grand Casino but this may be useful to know. I have become a victim of a clever scam when using the casino's car parking facility. This happened to me and it could happen to you.
Here's how the scam works:
Two seriously good-looking 18-year-old girls come over to your car as you are about to get in after leaving the casino. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy t-shirts.
It is impossible not to look. When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another car parking facility in the city.
You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start having sex with each other. Then, one of them climbs over into the front seat and performs oral sex on you, while the other one steals your wallet.
I had my wallet stolen last Tuesday... Wednesday, twice on Thursday, again on Saturday, and also yesterday and most likely tomorrow.