Sadie and Yetta, two widows were talking: Sadie, "That nice Morris Finkelman asked me out for a date. I know you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you before I give him an answer."
Yetta, "Vell, I tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctual like a clock. And like a mensch he is dressed. Fine suit, wonderful lining. And he brings me such beautiful flowers you could die from. Then he takes me downstairs, and what's there but such a beautiful car... a limousine even, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out to dinner... Marvelous dinner. Lobster even.
"Den ve go to a show... let me tell you Sadie, I enjoyed it so much. I could just die from the pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and into an ANIMAL he turns. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me, two times."
Sadie, "Oy! Vey... so you are telling me I shouldn't go out with him."
Yetta, "No... I'm just saying, wear an old dress!"
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."
The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."
The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad, passionate love to me seven times."
The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice."
The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"
The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."
The anatomy lesson for the week was the way in which the body of a handicapped person compensates for its deficiency. As an example, the professor showed a slide of a man with no legs whose arms and shoulders had consequently become hugely muscled.
"Your assignment," he instructed a pretty medical student, "is to find someone who has compensated for a physical handicap and to report on it for the class."
After class the student went into the bar next door, and what should she catch sight of but a hunchback nursing a beer at the bar. Screwing up her courage, she went over and told him about her assignment. "If you don't mind my asking," she said sweetly, "is there some part of your anatomy which has compensated for your handicap?"
"As a matter of fact there is," said the hunchback. "Come up to my place and I'll show you."
When they got upstairs, he dropped his pants and revealed the biggest cock she had ever seen.
Kneeling down, she couldn't resist touching it, then caressing it, then rubbing it against her face.
"For God's sake, don't blow it!" screamed the hunchback, jumping back. "That's how I got the hump on my back."
Jack goes to his friend Mike and says, "I'm sleeping with the priest's wife.. Can you hold him in church for an hour after mass for me?"
The friend doesn't like it but being a friend, he agrees.
After mass, he starts talking to the priest, asking him all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.
Finally the priest gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to.
Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the priest, "My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep you occupied."
The priest smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says, "U BETTER HURRY HOME NOW.... MY WIFE DIED A YEAR AGO."
An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time.
Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.
Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.
Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship.
"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather tentatively.
"I would like it infrequently' she replied.
The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, adjusted his glasses, leaned over towards her and whispered, "Is that one word or two?"
Once upon a time there was a 98-year old woman whose billionaire husband died. The woman had inherited all of her deceased husband's fortune and decided she would see if she could remarry herself a fine young man. So, she walked into a bar and announced to all the men that she had inherited billions of dollars and would marry the guy with the biggest dick.
Now of course this woman wasn't all that in the looks department, as a matter of fact she looked more like a shriveled prune then a human being. But, the guys didn't care because they knew this old lady would croak soon and they would get all that money.
The woman then told the men to stiff themselves up to full erection and lay their dicks on a long table. They did what she said.
All of a sudden, two gay guys walked into the bar, looked at the table and said, "Mmm! A buffet?!"
Two housewives were drinking coffee together.
"On my way over here," said Louise, "I developed an awful headache. Do you have any good remedies?"
Her friend Martha responded, "When I get a headache, my husband is the best remedy. He rubs my shoulders, then the back of my neck, caresses my breasts while kissing my tummy, and... Well, you can guess the rest. In no time at all he's soothed the pain away. You should try it!"
"I'd love to," her friend replied. "What time does your husband get home?"
Reunion is when Akhil gets up in the morning and tells his wife he is going to work.
Instead he goes to his neighbour Paul's wife to make love to her.
Her husband Paul comes and knocks on the door.
Akhil goes under the bed.
Paul enters the bedroom.
Feeling uneasy, the wife excuses herself to go to market to buy food items.
Paul takes advantage of the wife's absence to call Akhil's wife.
Akhil's wife quickly arrives and they make love.
Suddenly Paul's wife who had excused herself to go to the market turned back halfway forgetting the list of food items at home and knocks on the door.
Akhil Is Still Under The Bed.
Akhil's wife rushes to hide under the bed.
This Is REUNION.
A hot shot East Coast newspaper reporter was on assignment in Arkansas, when he struck up a conversation with a young lady in a bar. After a half dozen drinks, he suggested they get their own bottle and retire to his motel room, and she readily agreed.
"Say, how old are you anyway?" the reporter asked as the obviously young lass was disrobing.
"Thirteen," she replied with a shy smile.
"Thirteen??? My God, girl!!! You get those clothes back on at once at get the hell outta here! Are you crazy?" he thundered.
Pausing briefly at the door, the perplexed nymphet smiled and said, "Superstitious, huh?"
Twin sisters at a nursing home were turning one hundred years old. The editor of the local newspaper told a photographer to get over there and take pictures of the two 100 year old twins.
One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear very well. Once the photographer arrived, he asked the sisters to sit on the sofa.
The near-deaf sister said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!", said the other one.
"Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.
Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE."
So they wiggled up close to each other.
"Just hold on for a bit longer; I've got to focus a little," said the photographer.
Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"
"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"
With a big grin the near-deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD -- BOTH OF US?"