Mature Jokes

One day a man, who had been stranded on a desert island for over ten years sees an unusual speck on the horizon.
"It`s certainly not a ship", he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer...

A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow`s final exam. She said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition...

A bloke stops to visit his mate who has a broken leg. His friend says, "My feet are cold, can you go and get me my slippers from upstairs please."
The guy goes upstairs, and there are his mate`s gorgeous....

A man goes into a restaurant and is seated.
All the waitresses are gorgeous...

Murphy was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the dark shadows.
"Twenty pounds," she whispers...

An elderly gentleman went to the local drug store and asked the pharmacist for Viagra.
The pharmacist said, "That`s no problem. How many do you want...

Girl to her boyfriend: You know my eyes are just like mom, isn`t it cute...?
Boy: Yes, but you never noticed your boobs like just as your dad`s....

A young lady who thought she was overweight went to see a dietitian. She walked into his office and asked several questions about dieting, exercise, and other things. Her final question...

An old married couple was sitting in their rocking chairs enjoying a beautiful sunset when the old man looked at his wife and said, "Fuck you!"
A few minutes passed when the woman turned and said...

A man knocks on the door of a supposedly exclusive brothel. Through a small window in the door, the madam says, "What can I do for you, sir?"
"I`d like to get screwed...