Mature Jokes

A woman had a big old German Shepherd that snored so loudly she could never hear her soap operas in the afternoon. Over coffee one morning she happened to mention the problem to her neighbor, who leaned over and whispered confidentially that she had just the solution.
'The next time it happens, tie a ribbon around his...

A guy walks into a shoe store and asks for a pair of size 8 tie shoes. The salesman says, 'But, sir, I can see from up here you`re at least a size 11.'
The guy says, 'Just bring me a size 8 tie shoe.'
The salesman brings them, the guy stuffs his feet into them, ties them tight, and then he stands up, obviously in pain.
The salesman just has to ask...

Alicia was married to a male chauvinist. They both worked full time, but he never did anything around the house and certainly not any housework. That, he declared, was woman`s work.
But one evening Alicia arrived home from work to find the children bathed, a load of wash in the washing machine and another in the dryer, dinner on the stove and...

A teenager comes home from school with a writing assignment. He asks his father for help. 'Dad, can you tell me the difference between potential and reality?'
His father looks up, thoughtfully, and then says, 'Let`s make a demonstration out of this. Go ask your mother if she would sleep with...

A woman asks her husband if he`d like some breakfast.'Chicken and eggs, perhaps? A slice of toast? Grapefruit and coffee to follow?'
'Nah,' he says. 'It`s this Viagra - it`s really taken the edge off my appetite.'
At lunch time she asks, 'How about a bowl of homemade soup, homemade muffins, or maybe...

One day a young cowboy and cowgirl decided to get married. After the wedding they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road, the new bride sees two cows having sex.
The new bride asks with a sly grin, 'What are they doing honey?'
The husband answers, 'They`re roping!'
She replies, 'Oh, I see!' while trying to hide her knowing expression.
After a few more hours of driving they...

A woman and her lover are having sex. Someone knocks on the door.
It must be my husband! Ok, I`ll handle this.
She grabs the trash bin, opens the door and smiling sweetly says to her husband:
Darling, please, empty the trash.
While he is out, the other man...

There once was a couple of newlyweds named John and Wendy. John told his wife Wendy that he wanted a tattoo! Wendy agreed and said that would be ok. John did not know what the tattoo should say or where he would put it.
So Wendy said, 'Well, if you REALLY loved me, you would get my name tattooed on your pecker.'
John couldn`t back out on that one, so he went to the Tattoo Parlour. The tattoo artist told him that he needed to have an...

An old widow and widower get married. They are up there in age, and the romance, engagement and marriage was quick. They hoped they had enough strength to live through their wedding day and night.
After the marriage ceremony, they retire to a nearby hotel. Both are very nervous. Cautiously they begin to undress...

On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent`s house to visit her 95 year oldgrandmother and comfort her.
When she ask how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, 'He had a heart attack while we were making love on...