My wife and I finally became sexually compatible... we achieve simultaneous headaches!
The fastest way to find out if your wife is just pretending to be asleep to avoid sex is to pick up her phone and start scrolling!
On the 1st night after marriage:
Wife: Please, let's spend our 1st night 'Understanding' each other.
Husband: Darling, something 'Under' is already 'Standing' for you! Men will be MEN.
How do you know when your wife is really dead?
Your sex life is the same but your washing pile gets bigger!
My wife suggested we have coffee at home to save money. If she's really serious about saving money, she should give me sex at home!
If you are having sex with two women and one more woman walks in, what do you have?
Divorce proceedings, most likely!
What's it called when a woman is paralysed from the waist down?
Marriage!
Wife: Whenever I sing classical why do you go and stand in the balcony.
Husband: To ensure that our neighbours don't think I'm fucking you forcefully!
Newly weds sleep - LIPS to LIPS!
Old ones - HIPS to HIPS!
My smart phone just auto-corrected "fuck you" to "whatever you say, honey"!