The old woman turned sadly to her friend and said, "The speak's gone out of our marriage Flo. These days, when we're in bed, I bring out the animal in Alfred. He runs to the door, scratching and whining to get out. Oh dear!"
Luck and Fuck are directly proportional to each other.
When luck favours, you can fuck the whole world;
But when luck fails, the whole world begins to fuck you!
Said the disillusioned woman,
"The only time my husband wakes up stiff is when he's been down the gym the night before"!
"Hello Joan, you look happy today, what's going on?"
"Oh Maisie, I am," she replied. "Last night my husband brought home a big tube of KY jelly. He said it would please me greatly. And it did. When he went to the bathroom I smeared it all over the bedroom door and the silly bugger couldn't get back in!"
Recommended dosage of Viagra:
New Girlfriend: No need
Old Girlfriend: 1/2 tablet
Mistress: 1 tablet
Wife: 2 tabs + whisky + blue film + will power + her permission...
Drawing is the second best thing in the world - which requires, your hand and imagination simultaneously!
The ambitious Personal Secretary went out for dinner with her boss and when the bill arrived she said, "I must insist that we go Dutch I suggest you pay for dinner and the rest of the evening will be on me!"
After an hour of playing Bridge and getting beaten every time, the husband excused himself to go to the bathroom.
As he left the room, the wife turned to her hosts and remarked scornfully. "This'll be the first time I've known what's in his hand all night!"
Women and tax forms have a lot in common... Men love to cheat on them!
Why are pubic hair curly?
If they weren't, they would blind you!
