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Upload to Facebook Before our marriage, when my wife told me that she's a cat person, I should have realized that for the rest of my life she's gonna sit on the other side of the bed & ignore me all day! -
Upload to Facebook Wife: You know what day today is?
Me: Our anniversary?
Wife: No, it's Friday, the 13th. The scariest day.
Me: Oh so it's the same! -
Upload to Facebook Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Wife: Flathead, Phillips or Vodka?
And that was when I knew she was the one! -
Upload to Facebook Your circle should want you to win.
Your circle should clap the loudest when you have good news.
If they don't get a new circle! -
Upload to Facebook My wife texted me `You are right, I was wrong and I'm sorry` but it seems her phone's autocorrect changed it to `Whatever`! -
Upload to Facebook Fitness Status:
I watched a 120 minute documentary about the lifecycle of amoeba because the TV remote was out of reach! -
Upload to Facebook Newly married friend: My husband is my best friend.
My wife: Just wait for a few months. He'll be your worst enemy! -
Upload to Facebook Diet Day 1:
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious! -
Upload to Facebook I thought the Dryer made my clothes shrink.
Guess what? It was my Refrigerator! -
Upload to Facebook Trump just got the full 2020 experience.
He caught COVID;
Lost his job;
And will be evicted from his house!
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