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Upload to Facebook You know when Donkey followed Shrek home and just kept talking?
That's what it's like having kids! -
Upload to Facebook The word queue is ironic.
It's just a 'q' with a bunch of silent letters waiting in a line! -
Upload to Facebook School and College reunions are scams. Nobody misses you.
They just want to know if you have made it in life or not! -
Upload to Facebook A Narcissist's Prayer:
That didn't happen.
And if it did, it wasn't that bad.
And if it was, that's not a big deal.
And if it is, that's not my fault.
And if it was, I didn't mean it.
And if I did, You deserved it! -
Upload to Facebook What happens if a politician drowns in a river?
That is pollution....
What happens if all of them drown?
That is a solution ....!!! -
Upload to Facebook Did you know that bees are actually allergic to pollen?
They break out in hives! -
Upload to Facebook I was walking past a farm and a sign said "Duck, eggs"
I thought: "That's an unnecessary comma" and then it hit me! -
Upload to Facebook The salesman at the furniture store told me, `This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems.`
I said, `Where the hell am I going to find 5 people without any problems?` -
Upload to Facebook Rainy days are so good. You can open all the windows and drink a cold beer in your underwear.
Not sure why my Uber driver is threatening to call the cops! -
Upload to Facebook My uncle has 2 Dobermans called Rolex and Timex.
They are watch dogs!
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