If you're going to have sex with an animal, always make it a horse. That way, if things don't work out, at least you know you've got a ride home.
I've kissed so many women I could do it with my eyes closed.
The last woman I had sex with just hated me. I could tell by the way she asked for the money.
How do I feel about men? With my fingers.
I could never be a feminist/lesbian as there is nothing more pleasurable to me than the sight of the bottom of the washing basket on a wash day.
~ Caroline Aherne or
Sex is the great amateur art. The professional, male or female, is frowned on; he or she misses the whole point and spoils the show.
Sigmund Freud asked the question: 'What is it that women want?'... But it's obvious, isn't it? They want the central heating turned up, don't they?
~ in The Pub Landlord's Book of Common Sense
So it's our car, our flat and our money, but I notice it's always her tits. There's feminism for you.
~ in Viz magazine
We had gay burglars the other night. They broke in and rearranged the furniture.
The prettiest dresses are worn to be taken off.
