I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you will still be ugly.
A committee is a group that keeps minutes and loses hours.
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
Why is it that when we talk to God we're said to be praying, but when God talks to us we're schizophrenic?
Most writers can write books faster than publishers can write checks.
I was raised half Jewish and half Catholic. When I'd go to confession, I'd say, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned - and you know my attorney, Mr Cohen".
Sacred cows make the best hamburger.
Never cry over spilt milk. It could've been whiskey.
Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.
No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman.