Television - a medium, so called because it is neither rare nor well-done.
I have always thought that if I were a rich man I would employ a professional praiser.
My dad used to collect empty beer bottles, which is a nice way of saying he was an alcoholic.
In real life, the princesses kiss princes, and then princes turn into frogs.
Too bad all the people who know how to run the country are busy driving taxi cabs and cutting hair.
I envy people who drink - at least they know what to blame everything on.
I have never developed indigestion from eating my words.
They've finally come up with the perfect office computer. If it makes a mistake, it blames another computer.
It takes only one drink to get me drunk. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother- in-law to the airport.