| One of the blessings of being a humorist is that all your mistakes pass off as jokes. |
| Never put off till tomorrow what you can do today. It may be made illegal by then. |
| The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're OK, then it's you. |
| At times, computers behave like humans. They simply refuse to work. |
| I like the word 'indolence'. It makes my laziness seem classy. |
| I told a chemistry joke, no reaction. |
| Remember "the hand of God" in the 1986 World Cup. Now the hand of God has brought us an Argentine pope. |
| My doctor gave me six months to live but when I could't pay the bill he gave me six months more. |
| I am a believer in punctuality though it makes me very lonely. |
| Never buy anything with a handle on it. It means work. |