| Guys that try and pick up girls on Facebook are pathetic. Girls, if you agree, message me your number so we can talk about it! |
| Kids probably don't realise it yet, but pretending to be asleep is a skill that will come in handy for the rest of their lives! |
| Yawns are just silent screams for coffee! |
| I thought that pulling the shell off my racing snail would help it move faster. If anything it became more sluggish! |
| Doctor: What do you do when you feel stressed? Patient: I go to the temple. Doctor: Good... does it help? Patient: No... I mix-up all the shoes kept outside and watch people more stressed than me! |
| Why was the broom late for work? Because he overswept! |
| I have a new phone charger but I also have a teenage son which means I somehow have an old charger and he has a new one! |
| Bought my mum a fridge for her Birthday. You should've seen her face light up when she opened it! |
| You know what makes me smile? . . . . . . . . . Facial muscles! |
| Police are on the lookout for a cross-eyed burglar. They said, "if you see him peering through your window, please warn the people next-door!" |
