| Please be careful on the roads. Lots of people are drinking excessively and letting their wives drive! |
| At Gym: Trainer: It's crucial that you stick to a super high protein diet. Me: Oh sure... I just had a block of cheese! |
| Mixing alcohol and food with all types of insanity. This is what the holidays mean! |
| Interviewer: How do you want to improve yourself in the next year? Guy: Well I'd like to get this job. Interviewer: Other than that? Guy: I'd like a promotion! |
| When I'll die I want these words on my tombstone... Finally an apartment, I don't have to vacuum! |
| Shoes and people: if they hurt you, are not your size! |
| Delusional me: I am going to have fun this weekend. Realistic me: I am going to gain 12 lbs this weekend! |
| Bliss is when you have no problems from your Kids, Knees & Kidneys! |
| Pro Tip for Women: Never tell your husband what something costs, always tell them how much discount it carried! |
| When you speak two languages but start losing vocabulary in both of them. Byelingual! |
