| Warning to all single guys: This Valentine's Day, think twice before you act, or else you may end up married! |
| Science should stop analyzing animal intelligence and start studying human stupidity! |
| Things money can't buy: 1. Manners 2. Morals 3. Respect 4. Character 5. Common Sense 6. Trust 7. Patience 8. Class 9. Integrity 10. Love |
| The best thing about Twitter: You can tweet anything you want. The worst thing about Twitter: You can tweet anything you want! |
| It was a sad and disappointing day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. (Not even remotely) |
| What do you call it when someone looks at your face and says you look good? Sarcasm! |
| Relationships are a lot like algebra. Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y? |
| I pulled a mustache hair out today while I was at a restaurant. I don't know why the waitress was upset & called the security. I was just trying to help her! |
| It's called 'Reading'. It's how our generation upload software into our brains! |
| The irony of Life: Remember those days when people used to write diaries and got mad when someone read them. Now they put everything on Facebook and get mad when people don't read them! |
