| A lot of people at this party were shocked to learn that I'm still single. Especially my wife! |
| Trumpty Dumpty never finished his wall, Trumpty Dumpty lost the election this fall. All the shady lawyers and all the yes men couldn't get Trumpty elected again! |
| Optimist: The glass is half full. Pessimist: The glass is half empty. Me: There is room to add vodka! |
| If you sin 90 times, you will only get caught 50% of the time. Because sin 90 = cot 45! |
| We build every house with a sturdy front door and a heavy lock for security, and then we put glass in all the walls! |
| Doctor: Bataiye Kahan Dard Ho Raha Hai? Boy: Yeh Dekhiye Doctor Sahab, Message 'Seen' Hai Par 'No Reply'! |
| The bravest man I ever knew once asked his wife to calm down and be quiet. However, he was hospitalized seconds later with several broken ribs, a shattered kneecap and a severe concussion. But what a brave man! |
| The reason I want to get ahead in life is so that I can be lazy once and for all! |
| Friend: Come fast, your wife is suddenly squinting her eyes, her lips are in a weird shape and her head is in a terrible angle. I think she's having a stroke. Me: Na, she's just taking a selfie! |
| The last time I was someone's type, I was donating blood! |
