Not bragging, but my wife describes my dressing style as "Are you wearing that?"
Wife: We'll talk about it when I'm not angry at you.
Me: When is that, next year?
The most important invention in the history of mankind is not the wheel, it's the chair.
If you don't agree, just go shopping with your wife!
Telling my wife that we're going out for dinner at someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready!
Being a woman is so expensive. I know this because I have a wife!
My wife's top five favorite smells:
5. Coffee brewing
4. Pages of a new book
3. First rain
2. Freshly baked cake
1. Smoke that comes out when she's grilling me
According to a survey, the leading causes of death among men are:
1. Heart attacks
2. Strokes
3. Gifting wife a weighing scale and a diet book on her birthday
If it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all!
"Good morning madam, I'm from the maintenance company. I understand there's something in the house that's not working."
"Yes, he's upstairs!"
Whenever I give money to beggars, my wife tells me "they're going to get drunk with your money".
As if I wasn't gonna do the same!