My husband just called me pretentious.
I was so surprised my monocle fell out!
Marriage is like a deck of cards.
In the beginning, all you need is two hearts and a diamond. By the end, you wish you had a club and a spade!
Wife: I am pissed!
Husband: Again or still?
It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong!
I always keep the GPS in my car switched off as my wife doesn't want any other woman giving me orders!
Hate your job? Don't like spending long hours at work?
The solution is simple, get married. You'll start loving your job!
On March 10th, 1876, Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone.
Exactly after 5 minutes, he received a phone call from his wife asking him why he isn't answering her calls!
While Engaged: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
While Married: Your arm was on my half of the bed last night!
Yes, I have a woman's intuition.
It's my wife's!
Bumped into a friend today, who got married the second time. I asked how's it going?
He replied, "Same virus bro, different mutation!"