At a job interview I was asked to describe myself in one word.
I said: Laxative because I make shit happen.
What do you call a tea that tastes sometimes like tea and sometimes like coffee ?
Uncertainty!!!
My ex-girlfriend just called me to say she wants us to get back together again.
Man am I a lucky guy ? I mean, first I win the lottery and now this. !!
Women always called me ugly until they learned how much money I have.
After that, they called me ugly and poor.
Hear about the new restaurant called Karma?
There's no menu: You get what you deserve.
All of my childhood punishments have become my adult goals:
Eating vegetables, Staying home, Taking a nap, Going to bed early!
Research shows that laughing for 2 minutes is just as healthy as a 20-minute jog.
So, now I'm sitting in the park laughing at all the joggers!
What's the worst thing about having a job at the unemployment office?
If you get fired, you still have to show up the next day!
Boss: You are late again! Do you know what that means?
Employee: Yes! It means the traffic is getting worse every day.
Today I learned that the average person consumes 9 alcoholic drinks in a week.
Today I also learned that I am above average!