Tom, Glenn, and Scott were working on a high rise building project. Glenn fell off and was instantly killed.
As the ambulance took the body away, Scott said, "Someone should go and tell his wife."
Tom says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."
Two hours later, Tom came back carrying a 6-pack. Scott asked, "Where did you get that, Tom?"
"Glenn's wife gave it to me."
"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?"
Tom said, "Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Glenn's widow.' She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'
And I said, "Wanna bet me a six-pack?"
When Donna found out she was pregnant, she told the good news to anyone who would listen. But her 4-year-old son overheard some of his parents' private conversations.
One day when Donna and her 4-year-old were shopping a woman asked the little boy if he was excited about the new baby.
"Yes!" the 4-year-old said, "and I know what we are going to name it, too. If it's a girl we're going to call her Christina, and if it's another boy we're going to call it quits!"
A stockbroker was cold calling about a penny stock and found Bob.
"I think this one will really move," said the broker. "It's only $1 a share."
"Buy me 1000 shares," said Bob.
The next day the stock was at $2.
Bob called the broker and said, "You were right, get me another 5000 shares."
The next day when Bob checked in the paper, the stock was at $4! He ran to the phone and called the broker, "Get me 10000 more shares!"
"Great!" said the broker.
The next day Bob looked in the paper and the stock was now selling for $10 a share! With all his purchases, Bob had made over $100,000 in just 4 days! Excited, Bob called the broker and said, "Sell all my shares! I want to cash out."
The broker replied, "I would, but to whom? You were the only one buying that stock."
An 80-year old Bava goes for a medical check- up. All of his tests come with normal results.
Dr Khambatta says, "Sohrabji, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with Ahura Mazda (Parsi God) ?"
Sohrabji replies, "Ahura Mazda and me are very close. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it such that when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom for pee - poof! - the light goes on. When I'm done, poof! - the light goes off."
"Wow, that's incredible," Dr Khambatta says.
A little later in the day, after thinking at length over Sohrabji's extraordinary explanation, Dr Khambatta calls Sohrabji's wife.
"Roshan," he says, "Sohrabji is doing fine! But I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with Ahura Mazda. Is it true that when he gets up during the night - poof - the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done - poof! The light goes off ???"
"Marigyo muo," Roshan exclaims loudly, "He's pissing in the fridge again."
Mary was discussing the various aspects and possible outcome of the insurance policy with the clerk at the Insurance Agency.
During the discussion, she asked, "Suppose I take the life insurance for my husband today for a million dollars, and tomorrow he dies? What will I get?"
The clerk eyed her suspiciously and replied, "Probably a life sentence."
I went on a job interview the other day. I wasn't really qualified but I decided to apply anyway. A week later, I became very excited when I was called in for an interview.
At the interview, the prospective employer asked a few questions then read through my resume. After a few anxious moments, as I sat in silence waiting for him to finish reading, he put down my resume. He looked up at me and said, "We have an opening for someone like you."
"Really?" I replied excitedly. "What is it?"
"It's called the door."
A fourth-grade teacher was giving her pupils a lesson in logic.
"Here is the situation," she said. "A man is standing up in a boat in the middle of a river, fishing. He loses his balance, falls in, and begins splashing and yelling for help. His wife hears the commotion, knows he can't swim, and runs down to the bank. Why do you think she ran to the bank?"
A girl raised her hand and asked, "To withdraw all his money from his savings account?"
Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching. Her parents divorced, but that never stopped her from wanting to get married. Her mother had found the perfect dress to wear. A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother. Jennifer asked her stepmother to exchange it, but she refused.
"Absolutely not. I look like a million bucks in this dress and I'm wearing it," she replied.
Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, "Never mind sweetheart. I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day."
A few days later, they went shopping and did find another gorgeous dress. When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother, "Aren't you going to return the other dress? You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it."
Her mother just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear. I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner, the night before the wedding."
Two Italian friends are talking to each other one evening.
Roberto says, "Tell me Geno, in all honesty, what do you think of a woman with a growth of black hair under her nose?"
Geno replies, "Hell no, I would never be turned on by a woman like that."
Roberto says, "OK, so tell me, what about a woman with big black hairs growing under her arms?"
Geno says, "For Pete's sake what are you talking about? I couldn't even have anything to do with a woman like that."
Roberto says, "OK but let me ask you another question. What about a woman with long black hairs growing on her legs, never shaves her legs?"
Geno replies, "Come on man give me a break, I would never get into bed with a woman like that."
Roberto says, "OK so answer me one last question, if all you say is true, why the hell are you seeing my wife?!!!"
After spending several hours wandering through the woods, Santa and Banta are thoroughly lost. Disorientated, they sit down to discuss what to do next.
"Hey, I have an idea," says Santa. "If we each fire three shots into the air, someone will hear them and come to help us."
Banta agrees, so each of them fires their shots. An hour later, nobody has come to help, so they decide to fire three more shots. Another hour passes - still no one.
"Okay lets try this one more time" says Santa.
"Yaar Santa, this had better work," replies Banta. "These are our last arrows."