Just as we have Rajinikanth jokes, in Russia they have Putin jokes.....
When Putin was late for school, the teacher punished the whole class for being early.
When Putin's phone rings in the theater, they pause the movie.
Doctor: "You have Cancer".
Putin: "Tell it, it has two weeks to live."
When Putin looks in the mirror, there's no reflection because there is only 1 Putin.
When Putin was born, he named his parents.
Russia didn't choose him, he chose Russia.
Putin Arriving at Foreign Country's Airport:
Customs Officer: "Occupation?"
Putin: "No, just visiting."
Putin calls 911 to ask what is their emergency.
Putin built the hospital in which he was born.
This guy never flushes the toilet, he just scares the shit out of it.
When Putin was born, he slapped the doctor for not crying.
When Putin didn't go to school, the school declared it a Holiday.
Stop calling him Russian James Bond. James Bond is British Vladimir Putin.
When Putin creates an account, the terms and conditions agree with him.
When Putin coughs, Covid wears a mask.
David Beckham gets in a taxi at Dublin airport. He notices the driver looks at him insistently in the rearview mirror.
After 5 minutes the taxi driver asks, "Ok. At least give me a hint."
David Beckham sighs and says, "I had a brilliant career at Manchester United, married one of the Spice Girls and played for more than 100 times for England's national team. Enough?"
Driver replies, "No, you idiot! Where are we going??"
So the Saas Bahu saga has not spared Buckingham Palace too. Just when Prince Harry and Meghan Markle decided to become financially independent and move to US/ Canada, all hell broke loose.
Dadi-Saas, the Queen is furious because "Khandaan Ka Chhota Chirag" has got influenced by "Chhoti Bahu" and is breaking "Rajwaadon" Ka centuries old tradition of feeding on taxpayer's money.
Chachaji, Bade Bhaiyya and Bhabhi are upset coz, "Humse Toh Salah Mashwara Kiya Hi Nahin, Khud Hi Decide Kar Liya... Ye Hi Izzat Hai Hamari Unke Dil Mein!!!"
I'm sure somewhere some Maami - Chachi must be feeling vindicated, "Maine Kaha Tha Meri Devrani Ki Behen Ki Beti Se Shaadi Karo Harry Ki... Us Amriki Ladki Ko Ghar Mein Laoge Toh Ghar Toot Jaayega. Bahu Nahin, Nagin Hai Nagin. Dekhna, Ek Din Mere Harry Ko Bhi Dhokha Degi... Tab Dauda Chale Aayega Humse Maafi Maangne."
There must be speculations regarding "Ghar Ka Bantwara... Jaamun Ka Ped Kiske Hisse Mein Aayega". And of course, "Log Kya Kahenge... Royal prince and Dutchess working to earn a livelihood... Khandaan Ka Naam Mitti Mein Mila Diya Beta Bahu Ne."
Prince William must be standing in front of Lady Diana's pic, consoling his dad and saying, "Aaj Maa Zinda Hoti To Aisa Kabhi Nahin Hone Deti."
But I think Badi Bahu, Kate Middleton must be having the last laugh, "Chhote Ghar Se Hui Toh Kya Hua... Sanskar Aur Khandaan Ki Pratishtha Toh Maine Hi Sambhali Hai..."
A guy ordered a drink in an airport cocktail lounge and suddenly realized that sitting across from him was Bill Gates.
Barely concealing his enthusiasm, he introduced himself, "Hello, Mr. Gates. My name is Larry. You don't know me, but I'd like to ask you for a small favor."
A wary Gates asked, "And what might that be?"
"I'm meeting with a potential client here in a few minutes and if I can sign this deal, it could change my whole life. All I ask is that you walk over and greet me like an old friend. Perhaps my client will be impressed enough to swing the deal."
Relieved, Gates said, "Sure. I can do that for you."
A few minutes later, as the man sat talking with his client, Gates finished his drink, walked over to them, and said, "Hey, Larry! I thought that was you. How've you been?"
And the guy replied, "F*¢k off, Gates! I'm in a meeting here!"
It is said that once Russi Mody, of Tata's, was on an official trip to Bombay.Even though it was a Sunday morning, Russi had to visit Bombay House, the Corporate Head Quarters of the Tata Group.
He was driving a Mercedes himself as it was a Sunday and there was very little traffic and also it was the chauffeur's day off. He was wearing simple shorts and a T shirt.
Knowing that he would take just a few minutes to finish his work in Bombay House and that it was a non-working day in the business district with very low traffic, he decided to take liberties to park his Mercedes in an otherwise no parking zone.
A conscientious traffic cop noticed all this, and he immediately rushed to Russi who had started sauntering towards the Bombay House entrance. In a gruff voice the Havaldar asked Russi, "Kyun Bhai, Baap Kaa Sadak Samajh Kay Rakha Hai Kya?"
Russi very nonchalantly replied, "Haan kuchh aisa hi hai. Aapko Angrezi Padhna Aata Hai Kya?"
Then he gently held the Havaldar's arm and walked him to the kerbside, and pointed to the metal sign of the road.
He asked the cop, "Kya Likha Hai?"
The cop said, "Sir Homi Mody Street."
A mischievously smiling Russi discloses, "Wo Mera Baap Tha."
The Pope and Trump are on stage in front of a huge crowd.
The Pope leaned towards Mr. Trump and said, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and for the rest of their lives whenever they speak of this day, they will rejoince!"
Trump replied, "I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me!"
So the Pope slapped him.
Donald Trump went to London and met with the Queen.
"Your Queenship," he asked her. "I am finding things way more difficult than I could have imagined. May I ask you - how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give me?`
"Well," replied Her Majesty, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."
Trump frowned.
"But how do you know the people around you are really intelligent?" he asked.
"Oh, that's easy` the Queen replied. "You just ask them to answer an intelligent riddle`.
She pushed a button on her intercom. "Please send Theresa May in here."
The Prime Minister walked into the room.
"You called for me, Your Majesty?"
"Answer me this, if you would, Theresa. " the Queen said. "Your mother and father have a child. It is not your brother and it is not your sister. Who is it?`
Without pausing for even a second, Theresa May answered, "That would be me."
"Yes! Very good,` said the Queen. Trump went back home, returned to the White House and the very next day called for Mike Pence to come and see him.
Pence duly trotted in to the Oval Office.
"Mike, answer this for me," said the Don. "Your mother and your father have a child. It's not your brother and it's not your sister. Who is it?`
"I'm not sure," said Pence. "Let me get back to you on that one.
Pence went panicking off to his advisers and asked everyone, but none of them could give him an answer.
The next night, as it happened, Pence ran in to Hillary Clinton in a restaurant. By now, desperate for an answer to give to his tyrannical boss, he approached her - much to her surprise.
"Hillary, I know we haven't always seen eye to eye but I would really appreciate it if you could answer this riddle for me.
"Sure, Mike "Hillary said. "I'm not one to hold a grudge. What is it?`
"Thanks, said Pence,` It's this. Your mother and father have a child and it's not your brother or your sister. Who is it?`
Hillary answered right back, "That's easy, it's me!"
Pence smiled, "Thanks!"
Pence then went back to speak with Trump. "Say, boss, I did some research and I have the answer to that riddle. It's Hillary Clinton.`
Trump got up, stomped over to Pence, and angrily yelled at him. "No, you idiot! It's Theresa May!"
... AND THAT, MY FRIENDS, IS PRECISELY WHAT'S GOING ON AT THE WHITE HOUSE.
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching the telly when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, "You sign! You sign!" Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.
Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder, "You sign! You sign!"
Nelson says to him, "Look mate, you've obviously got the wrong bloke. Push off", and shuts the door in his face.
The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!"
Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he shoves the little Chinese man back, shouting, "Look, push off ! You've got the wrong bloke! I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.
The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Chinaman thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, "You sign! You sign!" Behind him are two very large trucks full of car parts.
This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him, "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?"
The little Chinese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his clipboard, and says, "You not Nissan MainDealer?"
As Air Force One arrives at the Heathrow Airport, President Obama strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen.
They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London, where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. They continue on towards the Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well.
Suddenly, the right rear horse lets out the most horrendous earth shattering fart ever heard in the British Empire. The smell is so atrocious that both the passengers in the carriage, must use handkerchiefs over their noses. The fart shakes the coach, but, the two dignitaries of State do their best to ignore the incident.
The Queen politely turns to President Obama, "Mr President, please, accept my regrets...I am sure you understand there are some things that even a Queen cannot control."
Obama, always trying to be "Presidential," responded, "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought... Until you mentioned it, I thought it was one of the horses."
After lots of allegations and jokes, Vijay Mallya goes to SBI to repay the loan.. but see what happens:
Monday
Vijay to SBI person: I want to repay my loan...
SBI: It's lunch time come after 1 hour...
Tuesday:
Vijay to SBI person: I want to repay my loan, so today I came early at 9.30...br> SBI: We are not open still, come after 11am...
Wednesday:
Vijay to SBI person: I want to repay my loan, I've come at 11 am like you asked me to...
SBI: Monthend sir, today is too much rush... wait for some time or come after tea time.
Thursday, (Comes at 2 pm):
Vijay to SBI person: I want to repay my loan...
SBI: Have you brought all the documents? Looks like two of your documents are missing... and I need a stamp from the other banks... come after doing it. We can't take your documents like that - it's a govt. bank, not private bank, right?
Friday
Vijay to SBI person: I want to repay my loan , I have come with all the documents.
SBI: The designated person is on leave... come tomorrow...
Saturday
Vijay goes to Bank & surprised after seeing it closed, asks the watchman: Is the bank closed because of me?
Watchman: Sir... today's 2nd Saturday come on Monday.
Sunday
Vijay leaves India... (Facts written & Scripted by a tired customer of so called banks)