An older gent had an appointment to see a urologist who shared an office with several other doctors. The waiting room was filled with patients. He approached the receptionist desk. The receptionist was a large imposing woman who looked like a wrestler.
He gave her his name. In a very loud voice the receptionist said, "Yes, I see your name here. You want to see the doctor about impotence, right?"
All of the patients in the waiting room snapped their head around to look at the very embarrassed man.
He recovered quickly though, and in an equally loud voice replied, "No, I've come to inquire about a sex change operation and I'd like the same doctor that did yours!"
I recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, she said I was doing fairly well for my age.
A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking her, "Do you think I'll live to be 80?"
"She asked, "Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?"
"Oh no," I replied. "I'm not doing drugs, either!"
Then she asked, "Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?"
I said, "Not much... My former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!"
"Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?"
"No, I don't," I said.
She asked, "Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?"
"No," I said...
She looked at me and said, "Then why in heck do you want to live to be 80??" Have a GREAT day!
A man was lying on the psychiatrist's couch as his therapist addressed him.
"Well, Jim. I'm pleased to announce that this will be our final session. I believe that you finally are cured of your paranoia."
"Yes, doctor. I am."
"I remember how you used to think that men in black were following you everywhere. But you don't believe that anymore, do you?"
"No, doctor. I don't"
"I remember also how you used to think that black helicopters were hovering over your house. But you don't believe that anymore either, do you?"
"No, doctor. I don't"
"Finally, I remember how you used to think that CIA agents were monitoring your mail, bugging your phone, and snooping into your affairs. But you don't believe that anymore either, do you?"
"No, doctor. I don't. Thanks to your therapy, I no longer harbor such delusions. In fact, you've been so helpful to me, that I'm really sorry that I have to kill you now," said Jim, as he pulled out a gun.
The psychiatrist was shocked. "Wait a minute. Why do you have to kill me?"
"You know too much."
There was once an aspiring veterinarian who put himself through veterinary school working nights as a taxidermist.
Upon graduation, he decided he could combine his two vocations to better serve the needs of his patients and their owners, while doubling his practice and, therefore, his income.
He opened his own offices with a shingle on the door saying, "Dr. Jones, Veterinary Medicine and Taxidermy -- Either way, you get your dog back!"
A Ballerina goes to the doctor, "Doc I am having terrible trouble with the most awful wind. Every time I pirouette I fart," she cries.
"Hmmm," says the Doctor, "I'd like to see that if possible."
The ballerina get up, pirouettes and Phrrrt... farts loudly.
"That's amazing, do it again."
Again the pirouette is accompanied by a loud fart.
"Hmmm," says the Doctor. "I think I may be able to help." He bends down and picks up a long pole with a curious hook on the end.
The ballerina jumps back in alarm, "What are you going to do with that?"
"Open the window, it stinks in here."
A policeman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well. However, the policeman kept feeling something pulling at his pubic hair.
Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable. Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily --- if at all.
Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence, "Get well soon from the nurse in the Landrover you booked for speeding last week."
Doctors are used to getting calls at any hour. One night a man phoned his doctor, waking him up.
"I'm really sorry to bother you so late," he said, "but I think my wife has appendicitis."
Still half asleep, the doctor reminded him that he had removed hs wife's inflamed appendix a couple of years before.
"Whoever heard of a second appendix?" the doctor asked.
"You may not have heard of a second appendix, doc," the man replied, "but surely you've heard of a second wife!"
A young woman was having a physical examination and was very embarrassed because of a weight problem.
As she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed. "I'm so ashamed, Doctor," she said, "I guess I let myself go."
The physician was checking hers eyes and ears. "Don't feel ashamed, Miss. You don't look that bad."
"Do you really think so, Doctor?" she asked.
The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said, `Of course. Now just open your mouth and say, "Moo!"
An elderly Jewish man is bumped by a car while crossing the street. He is seemingly unhurt, but his wife persuades him to go to the doctor, just in case. He returns home, and his wife says, "Nu, vos zogt der doktor?" (What did the doctor say?)
"Der doktor zogt az ich hob a flucky." ("The doctor says I have a flucky.")
"Oy, gevalt! A flucky! Terrible! What do you do for a flucky?"
"I don't know--he didn't say, and I forgot to ask."
Well, by this time the wife is in a state of high anxiety. She tells her neighbors "My husband was hit by a car, and now he has a flucky! I don't know what to do!"
Neighbor #1 says, "In the old country, when someone had a flucky, we always applied cold. Ice cold is the best thing for a flucky."
Neighbor #2 says, "What are you talking about? Cold is absolutely the worst thing you could do for a flucky! We always applied heat, that's the only thing to do for a flucky."
Cold, heat, oy! Now thoroughly agitated, the wife decides to call the doctor herself. "Doctor, please tell me, what's wrong with my husband?"
"I told him...nothing's wrong. He got off lucky."
Margie received a bill from the hospital for her recent surgery, and was astonished to see a $900 fee for the anesthesiologist. She called his office to demand an explanation.
"Is this some kind of mistake?" Margie asked when she got the doctor on the phone.
"No, not at all," the doctor said calmly.
"Well," said Margie, "that's awfully costly for knocking someone out."
"Not at all," replied the doctor. "I knock you out for free... The 900 dollars is for bringing you back around."