If you know you're alone in the middle of the night it's not really scary. It's the "What if I'm not alone?" that makes it scary.
You know you moved on from someone when you delete their pics just to free up storage.
Every day you survive statistically increases your odds of dying tomorrow.
Most humans are ok with being licked affectionately by strangers as long as they aren't human.
I wanna be a billionaire by the age of 40, like my father.
He wants to be a billionaire too.
My wife texted me a selfie of herself in a new dress. She asked if it made her look fat. I texted back Noo...
My phone autocorrected it to Moo. I now don't know what to do
My girlfriend just broke up with me and left me in a huge amount of debt...
Forever a loan.
I asked our server: Can we see the menu please?
She scoffed and said: The men I please is none of you business.
Which body part dies last?
The pupils, they dilate.
A scammer called my grandma and said he had all her passwords...
She got a pen and paper and said, "Thank God for that, what are they?"