Lawyer: Why do you want a divorce?
Woman: Every time I sit on my husband's lap, he starts dictating!
When lawyers die, why are they buried in holes 20 feet deep?
Because deep down, they're all nice guys.
Lawyer: the larval stage of a politician!
What does a lawyer use for birth control?
His personality.
What do you have if three lawyers are buried up to their necks in sand?
Not enough sand.
What's the difference between a tragedy and a catastrophe?
A tragedy is a ship full of bankers going down in a storm; a catastrophe is when they can all swim!
What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
You cry when you cut up an onion!
What's the difference between a lawyer and a leech?
A leech will let go when its victim dies.
Q: What's wrong with "Lawyer Jokes"?
A: Lawyers don't think they're funny; and nobody else thinks they're jokes.
If your wife and a lawyer were drowning and you had to choose, would you go to lunch or to a movie?