Stayed up all night trying to remember if I have amnesia or insomnia.
Some people have a guardian angel. Mine just watches like it’s a reality show
Married people have, on average, twice as many family emergencies.
If you know you're alone in the middle of the night it's not really scary. It's the "What if I'm not alone?" that makes it scary.
You know you moved on from someone when you delete their pics just to free up storage.
Every day you survive statistically increases your odds of dying tomorrow.
Most humans are ok with being licked affectionately by strangers as long as they aren't human.
I wanna be a billionaire by the age of 40, like my father.
He wants to be a billionaire too.
My girlfriend just broke up with me and left me in a huge amount of debt...
Forever a loan.
I asked our server: Can we see the menu please?
She scoffed and said: The men I please is none of you business.
