I'm great at multitasking - I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once
Man: Why do we get a hangover after drinking?
Monk: When you play with spirits, they come back to haunt you the next day!
My laptop battery has officially developed a better work-life balance than I have; when it hits 1%, it simply shuts down and refuses to compromise.
Alcohol doesn't solve problems.
It just makes me confident enough to face them.
I specialize in turning simple tasks into complicated missions.
My math teacher called me average.
How mean...
A large number of married people are involuntarily celibate.
I wonder if anyone has ever farted so hard that they got a muscle cramp in their anus.
The more you know, the less you learn.
I just opened my electricity bill and water bill at the same time.
I was shocked.
