A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand!
Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real world.
Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
If it weren't for alcohol, how would you know as to when to call your exes!
Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you`ve never tried before.
Junk is something you`ve kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
No man has ever been shot while doing the dishes.