My days are backwards. I wake up tired and go to bed wide awake.
I know my limit... until I start drinking.
Childhood is like being drunk. Everyone remembers what you did, except you.
Tobacco causes Cancer ads!
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.
Farts are just the ghosts of the things we eat.
I hate it when people don't hate people I hate.
I wondered why the Cricket ball was getting bigger, then it hit me.
The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and attend funerals.
My idea of rebooting is kicking somebody in the butt twice.