Clean Jokes

An old lady went to her doctor to see what could be done about her constipation.
'It's terrible,' she said, 'I haven't moved my bowels in a week.'
'I see. Have you done anything...

'Mr. Jacobs,' the analyst said, 'I think this will be your last visit.'
'Does that mean I'm cured?' he asked.
'For all practical purposes, yes,' she said. 'I think we can safely say that your kleptomania is now under control. You haven't stolen anything in two years, and you seem to know where...

Early one morning, John, who works at the local funeral parlour, woke his wife, complaining of severe abdominal pains.
They rushed to the emergency room, at the local hospital, where they gave him a series of tests to determine the source of the pain.
John told his wife not to...

A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together.
One said to the other three, 'People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems.'
The others agreed.
Then one said...

An Irishman named Darren went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked Darren in the eye, and said, 'I`ve some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it can`t be cured. I`d give you two weeks to a month to live.'
Darren was shocked and saddened by the news but was of solid character. He managed to compose himself and...

A businessman was confined to the for treatment of a minor malady.For almost a week he made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating both staff and the other patients, demanding attention and expecting his every order to be followed immediately. He was in a six-man ward rather than a private room, his meals were too cold or not served to suit his taste, the light needed to be adjusted to his demands, the nighttime activities...

A woman sought the advice of a sex therapist, confiding that she found it increasingly difficult to find a man who could satisfy her, and that it was very wearisome getting in and out of all these short term relationships.
'Isn`t there some way to judge the size of a man`s equipment from the outside?' she asked earnestly.
'The only foolproof way, is by...

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear perfectly again.
The elderly gentleman returned to the doctor`s in a month for a final check on the new equipment. After some tests, the doctor proclaimed...

A fellow is going on a tour of a factory that produces various latex products. At the first stop, he`s shown the machine that manufactures baby-bottle nipples. The machine makes a loud hiss-pop! noise.
'The hiss is the rubber being injected into the mold,' explains the guide. 'The popping sound is a needle poking a hole in the end of the nipple.'
Later, the tour reaches the part of the factory where...

A man got a call from his doctor who said 'I have some bad news and some terrible news, which would you rather hear first?'
The man says 'The bad news.'
The doctor says 'The lab messed up your tests and when they re-did them, they found out you only have...