Clean Jokes

A Lawyer dies and goes to heaven. He knocks on the old pearly gates and out walks St. Peter.'Hello mate,' says St. Peter, 'I`m sorry, no Lawyers in heaven.'
'What?' exclaims the man, astonished.
'You heard, no Lawyers.'
'But, but, but, I`ve been...

Two guys are driving through Alabama when they get pulled over by a state trooper. The trooper walks up, taps on the window with his nightstick, the driver rolls down the window, and the trooper smacks him in the head with the stick. The driver says, 'Why`d you do that?'
The trooper says...

A stingy old lawyer who had been diagnosed with a terminal illness was determined to prove wrong the saying, 'You can`t take it with you.'
After much thought and consideration, he finally figured out how to take at least some of his money with him when he died. He instructed his wife to go to the bank and withdraw enough money to fill two pillowcases. He then directed her to take...

A man was browsing in an antique store when he came upon a statue of a rat. He asked the price and the owner said, 'The statue of the rat is $100; the legend behind the statue is another $100.'
The man agreed to buy only the statue itself, although the owner warned as he left, 'You`ll be back for...

Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the scene.
Q. A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called...

The company owner is dying and calls in his lawyer and his accountant.
The owner says, 'I am dying and I want to take my money with me. At my funeral put these envelopes in my coffin.'
So at the funeral, the lawyer and the accountant put the envelopes in the coffin. But, on the way home the lawyer felt bad and...

One day a Pope and a lawyer died and went to heaven. God came and said, 'Follow me and I will give you your rooms.'
So they both followed. First God gave the Pope his room; it was very small with a small bed and a small desk.
'Thank you, thank you my lord,' said The Pope.
Then God gave...

A doctor, a priest, and a lawyer are adrift on a raft in the south Pacific. They`re just about out of water, food, and hope, when they spot a small island. Only problem is, between the raft and the island is a large hungry school of tiger sharks.
The doctor insists, 'I`ll swim for the island and bring back coconuts and maybe even help. If the sharks attack me, with my medical knowledge I`ll be able to...

A defendant was on trial for murder. There was strong evidence indicating guilt, but there was no corpse.
In the defense`s closing statement the lawyer, knowing that his client would probably be convicted, resorted to a trick:
'Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I have a surprise for...

A Lawyer was defending a man in court that had broken a window and stolen some jewlery.
The Lawyer decided to try a unique defense, he told the judge that you shouldn`t punish the whole man for something that his arm did.
The judge thought for a minute, then said...