Whoever said that your harshest critic is yourself is obviously not married!
Marital Truth:
Your wife misses you the most when you're partying with your friends!
Some idiot is spreading a rumor about me that my wife kicked me out of the house.
I'd like to clarify that she only used her arms to gently push me out of the house. Her legs were never involved.
So please get your facts right before you run your stupid mouth!
Wife: Why can't I feel/see your love and affection for me?
Husband: It's Asymptomatic love!
Falling in love makes you do stupid things.
I even got married!
The scariest things my wife could ever say:
4. Do you know what day today is?
3. Do I look fat in this dress?
2. We need to talk
1. My mother is coming to stay with us for a week!
Marriage counselor: What's the problem?
Husband: My wife complains that I never include her in anything.
Marriage counselor: Where's she, by the way?
Marriage is nothing but a journey from "I cannot live without you" to "Can you chew without making that disgusting sound?"
The best thing about marriage is whatever your wife tells you about it!
My wife shouted, "Where the hell have you been!? It's been three days!" I replied, "It's your fault!"
"When I went out, you told me not to come home drunk again!"
